update with helping son with confidence

Hi, well, it has been a few weeks since I first asked for a few pointers on what I could possibly do for my 11 year onld son and building confidence. Well, he now has the confidence, but the coach will not, will not play him. And confidenc eis going down, once again.

It has been four games and a tournament and he has played all of 10 possible minutes. I am feeling so bad for my son. We were at a tournament today, first game at 8AM, had to get up at 5:30 to be there. He did not play one minute in the first game. Played 4 minutes in the second, and an embarrasing (to me) last 55 seconds of the clock in the third.

For one reason or another, coach will not put him in. We have four players out with injuries out of eleven total players today, and he still will not play him.

My husband talked to coach and he told him, son has to step up practices, which he says that he has the last few practices, been phenomenal!! But still no playing time, to speak. Son was in tears again after first game, sucked it up and hoped for the best in the next, but still only got scraps thrown to him. Third game was not going well, we were losing by quite a bit and coach threw him a scrap at 55 seconds.

Son is not talking about quitting, but my husband and I are soooo very disappointed with this season and coach. We have not told him about the autism. Not sure if it will make things worse or not. Husband and I are thinking that we might have turned coach off when we signed son up with an AAU team different than that 5 other players are on. Can this be a factor?

I would like to ask the coach what is going on, but husband has already done so and son still does not play. I'm actually wondering if we shouldn;t encourage son to not even try out for th elite team next year and just go AAU if he likes it.

Got any suggestions on how to handle coach. Oh, talked to asst coach after first game this AM about son not playing and he reminded me that it is a SELECT team and there is no guarantee of play time, which I already understand all too well. But my son, is THE only one to sit on the bench an entire game through out the elite program that we know of consisting of 4th-8th graders. He also said he is working personally with son at practice and he has had great practices and is coming along nicely, to remember he is plsying with the best of the best and he has to get better. sigh. He is only 11, the youngest on the team and in 6th grade. I know, my heart is on my sleeve right now, maybe I need to quit?
Maybe they should've left him on the B team. Like asst coach said, then he would get play time, but not the qulaity of the A team.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

This has to be tough for you.. no doubt about it..... its YOUR son.. ( your baby so to speak ) :-)

There is two ways to look at this -

1- Practice with the elite team and have to work harder to become a better player. Working with better kids will force a kid to work harder, supposedly with better coaching.

2- Get better by playing even IF its with lesser players.

Now, this is just me, but here is my take on this. IF he were in high school I would say, he will get improve faster with the better coaching. BUT, your son is 11.... 11 years old, he needs to get some playing time. I would play him down a level and let him get some experience. At HIS age, he needs to learn the fundamentals and then be able to put them to use on the floor. 11 year olds don't learn by watching from the bench every game. IF he was getting even a little playing time I would say, ok, this is better for him... but for me... and again, this is just me, I would play him down.. JMO

How many more games until this season is over?

My take is similar to Coach Sar's. He needs playing time, not just to get better but to have some fun. No one likes sitting on the bench and at only 11 yrs old, he shouldn't be sitting on the bench. I'd find a team he fits on, gets decent playing time and likes the kids. Stick with that. Wouldn't waste too much more energy trying to figure this season out, not worth it.

Kind of ironic,my team has 8 players, but we've had to run with 5 players the last five games for one reason or another. So, playing time is not an issue, subbing and staying out of foul trouble are our problems.

Thanks so much Coaches Sar and Rob. Sigh...

"I" do not have the power to put him on another team, at this point anyway. This is an elite program that sattelites the school system. The school system uses this as their farm for the highschool team in the future, but is not affiliated with the school, figure that one out. The teams are set. 6th Grade has one "A" team and 2 "B" teams. My son was chosen for the "A" team back in September. They have six or eight more games to go, 2 are played on each day, and 3 tournaments, one of them State.

I finally grew a couple and sent an email to the coach yesterday detailing son's Asperger's and issues that come along with it. He is going to call me this afternoon and talk with me, at my request. I also asked him "what" son needs to do in order to help his team on the floor and become an integral part of the team. We'll see what he says. Makes me nervous, I am not one for confromtations, but dad gum, this is MY kid and he has worked soooo very hard to get to this point and has overcome so much with his autism. I know I am waaay too emotional and I am afraid I will not last through highschool on this roller coaster. Heck my husband is actually talking about moving to another city. But, I dont think this would be good at all for my son in many ways.

I'm wondering if Coach might offer to drop son down to a "B": team. Not sure is son will go for it. Right now we have 4 injured players, can coach afford to let my son go? Heck, he just sits anyway. The coach is a good guy, but, he really needs to WIN pretty much at all costs this year and I am just not ready for this. His older son is very good, the best on the highschool team and is hoping to get a scholoarship and possible go pro. Last year was so way different, I wished things could've been spelled out before the season started and told son he would'nt be playing and sit on bench, then maybe we coul'dve had him put on the "b" team. Probably not thought anyway, the rules are, you play where you are put. Yeah, that's a joke, hey, Play? Also, the bylaws state, no guarnateed playing time.

We are just rying to get him through this right now. The other kids 'have" to be saying stuff to him. He is the ONLY one to sit, noone else sits, on ANY of the teams. The AAU team he was accepted on, is waiting with baited breath for him. The coach happened to be at a tournament and scouted son and said that he is a diamond in the rough and he already has ideas for him.

I just feel so bad for my son. He has been working his tail off in pracitces the past few weeks and he still sits. I will admit that he is not as good as the others, but he certainly is not that bad, to be sat down for entire games either. ONe game this weekend was lost by more than 20 points, I do not see where he could've hurt things anything more.

Again, thanks coaches. I will have to wait for my phone call this afternoon now, just so I dont get sassy.

Sassy? Growing a couple? (that I would like to see) OMG, I wouldn't want to be that coach! haha By the way, you would be much better off with a face to face meeting rather than a phone call.....

I think you might do well to have a few questions to ask this coach without becoming confrontational... he will just become defensive IF you do that. Here are a few ideas -

1 - What does my son have to do to become better?
2- What does my son have to do to help the team more?
3 - Is he ( cant say playing) at the wrong level for his skill level?
4- Do you think he would be better off being on one of the B teams where he could get some playing time?
Now you might have him a little more at eas.

5- What does my son have to do to get some playing time?
6- Is there a reason that he didn't play in that 20 point loss?
7 - Ask any other question you can think of and write them down with space for an answer.

If his philosophy is winning at all costs - thats a bad situation for your son. With HIM having a son on the hgh school team that has PRO capabilities.... thats a stretch.. he has to go to a college first and have success there.... thats a big jump. Your son is in 6th grade? He needs a coach that wants to TEACH the GAME and all the fundamentals that go with it.... along with helping them grow up. This is a tough age, pre teen to teenagers - tough gig... you know it, you are a parent.

Be calm when you talk with him, but be firm and make sure that he answers ALL your questions... DON'T let him push any of those aside. If he puts you off - go back to the question later, IF he keeps blowing the question off. ASK him why he won't answer that???

Too bad its not a in person talk.... ( I would love to be in on that )

I am a pen pal with a young boy who has been bullied. I got a face to face with the Principal and Dean...... I had all my ducks in a row.... questions and facts... I GOT everything answered...... Hopefully it will get better... I made it very clear..... that as long as I am breathin I was going to be there for him. YOU have to come across the same way.... YOU are going to be here until I can get these questions answered and get a better situation for my son.

Hang in there - stay calm and look for answers and SOLUTIONS..... NOT EXCUSES.
Good luck, let us know how this goes.... oh yeah, and if the phone call meeting doesn't work, ask for a face to face meeting.

I have to add my $.02 here. Are you really serious -- an "ELITE" team of 11 year olds. Give me a break. Probably picked the team by height. Whoever is using that term is full of themselves.

And I think your coach is full of himself. Got to win at 11?? Really. Will he get inducted into the "kiddie hall of fame" as the winningest 11 year old coach? I get the the "playing time isn't guaranteed" however I have NEVER seen it used to exclude a player (except on school teams). In most cases I have seen coaches try to equalize playing time as best as possible. It's for the kids development, right?

IMO, I think you made a mistake in not disclosing your son's condition at the beginig of the season. My guess is that it affects the way he practices and reacts to certain situations. This could be problematic for a coach who doesn't know. The coach needs to know about the condition and what he needs to do to manage it.

I have been in your situation where my kid didn't get the playing time I (and others) felt he deserved. It sucks. You want to scream. On his middle school team, my kid was definately a top 5 player. Yet he didn't play in the first game, when every other player did. He didn't start one game. Funny thing was, that by mid season the "starter" played about half of the 1st quarter and my kid would come in a play the rest of the game. He would then get to play about 1/2 of the B game. So he ended up playing more total minuites than any kid on the team. However, it did affect is head. It got worse, because by the end of the season the "coach" went to a 5 man lineup -- only 5 kids played. We still sucked -- lost most games by more points than we scored. At the end of the season "party" he gave us some BS about how it was not about winning but about player development. I laughed and left.

Here is what to do. Play out the season. Your coach is a jerk. Put him in your rear view mirror asap. The beauty of basketball is that it is year round with several short "seasons." Get him on the other team, and another, and another. Get him as much playing time as possible. Get him in other sports if he likes them as well. Get him in camps, lessons, etc. Get him in speed and agility. Get him to a gym with Dad. Get in shape and shoot thousands of free throws. Have him watch games on TV and at the high school. Put the experience behind him. Good luck.

Thanks Golfman. You have many wise words to listen to, ones that have had experienced. sigh.

Son is going to start an AAU team this spring and IF he likes it, he is going to play for them next fall, instead of this set up that we have now. If he tries out for these teams again, he may very well get the same coach, because he is going to coach his own son as long as he can, until high school. This select team is up til 8th grade.

I finally told the coach about son's condition in an email. You are right, he should have known from the get go, but my husband does not like people to know. I on the other hand would rather have people know and then they can say, ahhh, that's why he acts like that! So, coach knows now and he said he is going to work with him.

I do not see alot of playing time for the duration of this season, only 6 league games left and 3 tornaments, so we are just pumping son up and trying to make it to the AAU team, intact.

Thank you once again for your response.

Coach Sar, sons coach called me yesterday as he promised he would. He told me that he was very, very happy to recieve the email, it will help him out alot with knowing that son has Asperger's. He also told me that he will NOT put any player into a postion to fail on the court, that is why my son was not in the games. I asked, how is he going to learn then? What does he need to do to get better and get on the court? He told me that he needs confidence with his defense and his gap help and they are working on that with him right now.

I also told him son just sits and stares at me, when he is stuck on the bench as to ask for help to be put in. Coach says he stares at him also.

He had a very polite and nice tone of voice and very appreciatetive of the information I sent to him.

Coach said that the other coacches DID want son put down to the B team, But, he wants him, to work with him, because he sees alot of potential in him and wants to make him better. I said that son wants playing time and he said that he will GET lots of playing time. When, I am not sure. But he does not want son to go to B team.

He said that he would have a talk with son about what he is doing, when he will do that, I am not sure either.

I think alot of it was just a band aid on this situation. I am just going to get son through season, I don't think he will want to go to the B team. They just "happened " to practice with the B team last night, thought for sure, they were going to see if they could use son or not, we shall see.

There is one other big guy on the team, could be my sons twin and he is good, AAU for3 years now already and he pulled a muscle or something in his back last game on Sunday. He was 'begging' to come out and was screamed at SUCK IT UP!! and there sat my big guy, just chomping to go in. go figure? Anyhoo, parents of other big guy are furious!! Said you have another big guy sitting on the bench all the time, use him!!! when our kids says hes hurt ,listen to him!! We, everyone, cannot figure out what coach is doing. Got one kid on bench not happy, got one hurt off bench and cant get on bench.

So, Coach Sar, it goes. Thank you so much

I'm glad that he called you... I am NOT so sure that he answered or solved any of your problems.... but at least you know where you stand... and next year, make sure that he gets on a team where he will play. The coach playing a kid that is hurt must be crazy..... what IF he is seriously hurt or whatever injury he has gets worse and he needs some sort of surgery or treatment. That guy is leaving himself open to a law suit.... doesn't he read the papers??\

Even that kids parents are unhappy.... seems to me that he has a WINNING at ALL COST problem.

I love what Golfman said about "kiddie hall of fame" as the winningest 11 year old coach? I am in another group and this guy writes about his 80-4 record with 10 - 11 year olds. He said that they played a Box and 1 on this kid and frustrated him to the point of the boy crying....... I was ticked needless to say! I wrote back.... "Aren't you proud? You made a 10 year old boy cry just to win a game! You need to get into another line of work... like laying brick." He never came back.

Get through this season and then look for better situations... do your homework - meaning that you check the coach and his program out. Is this a good program for my son? Is he a good coach? Is this a good program? How do they treat ALL their players? I don't care what he thinks about not putting a kid in where he can fail.... he's down 20? Play everybody...... every kid makes mistakes, its part of the game.

Good luck, let us know how things are going.

twinkletoes wrote: He also told me that he will NOT put any player into a postion to fail on the court, that is why my son was not in the games.

Strange answer. My kids fail (make mistakes) all the time on the court. In fact, I encourage it, as long as they're trying to do the right thing on the court.

I asked, how is he going to learn then? What does he need to do to get better and get on the court? He told me that he needs confidence with his defense and his gap help and they are working on that with him right now.

Playing time is how he learns. Sorry, but you're spot on with your questions to the coach.

There is one other big guy on the team, could be my sons twin and he is good, AAU for3 years now already and he pulled a muscle or something in his back last game on Sunday. He was 'begging' to come out and was screamed at SUCK IT UP!! and there sat my big guy, just chomping to go in. go figure? Anyhoo, parents of other big guy are furious!! Said you have another big guy sitting on the bench all the time, use him!!! when our kids says hes hurt ,listen to him!! We, everyone, cannot figure out what coach is doing. Got one kid on bench not happy, got one hurt off bench and cant get on bench.

Coach doesn't have to explain his every move to the parents, but something seems a bit strange here.

Good on you for talking to the coach, hopefully you can work through it and he's being honest with you.

Quote:
There is one other big guy on the team, could be my sons twin and he is good, AAU for3 years now already and he pulled a muscle or something in his back last game on Sunday. He was 'begging' to come out and was screamed at SUCK IT UP!! and there sat my big guy, just chomping to go in. go figure? Anyhoo, parents of other big guy are furious!! Said you have another big guy sitting on the bench all the time, use him!!! when our kids says hes hurt ,listen to him!! We, everyone, cannot figure out what coach is doing. Got one kid on bench not happy, got one hurt off bench and cant get on bench.
Coach doesn't have to explain his every move to the parents, but something seems a bit strange here.


THIS is the only move he has to explain.... IF a kid is injured... and is begging to come out of the game... I ask two questions.... 1- What was the ref thinking? He should have stopped the game and made sure this kid was ok! That is his responsibility along with the coach.... They have trainors at high school games and if a kid is injured, they will make sure the kid is ok to play..... on to #2

which is #2. What is the Coach thinking about? Make sure the kid is ok, they are 11 not Pros.

Other than that. he doesn't have to explain his offense or defense or subbing.....

Just a follow up note on the coach not wanting to put a kid in the position to fail on the court. What a crock of BS!!!!

I assume your kid was good enough to make this "elite" squad of 11 year olds. So why would he "fail?" Rec. ball coaches use that reasoning to "hide" a lesser skilled player (in many cases rightly so). But this is "elite" ball. Making mistakes is part of the game. It is how you learn to be successful.

Here is the famous Michael Jordan quote:

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
Michael Jordan

Good luck.

How true Golfman -

You and I are thinking along the same lines.... I cant say what I really want to say.... but this guy is full of excuses... and you know what they say about exceuses.

Yea, I know this is BS, BS, BS. The coach is also head of basketball operations for the program, so no help there either.

And yes, I questioned, why son can't fail on the court. No answer other than they are working with him.

I and hubby 'think' that for some reason or another coach is holding son down, does not want him to progress, so other big guy can continue to have limelight, other big guy is coaches BF AND plays AAU together, WHERE coach, coaches. sigh. Our son has such a good attitude and I think because of the Aspergers is accepting alot of this BS, any other kid would probably say screw this and want to quit, but not him, he is sticking it out. He is so proud to have made it on the team, but REALLY wants to play.

He is a boyscout as well and this weekend he has a campout, so hubby has already told coach not to expect son at the games on Sunday. It would be a five hour drive home in possible snow. First game at 1:00 AND he hubby and I discussed it, why bother to ruch there and sit on the bench. Probbably not going to sit well with coach, but oh well. Before, when son signed up for the campout in September, the season was just getting going and hubby planned on getting him there to the games, but not NOW, screw 'em. At least with the scouts, son gets the respect and friendship that he needs and deserves.

I know, the coach is just BSing me, what can we do? ONly 4 games left after this weekend, might as well tough it out. I am just sad that this guy would do this. I did not expect dog eat dog this year or cut throat this year. Maybe, just maybe at the highschool level, but not at 6th grade.

We told son to go into practices and burn up the boards, have fun, show up other big guy and cause a rucuss and so far he has been doing just that. Made 17/20 free throws, which was the best for the practice and stuffed quite a few guys including other big guy. By the way, remember other big guy came from neighboering city this August and has taken over everything even football-one man band you might say. Am I jealous of other big guy? Well, kind of. I keep thinking if he weren't here, they would be woriking on my kid to get him under the basket like they did last year. Instead he sits.

I am rambling here. Sorry. I really like hearing from you guys though. It kind of makes the things I am thinking valid and not just my imagingation.

It Is JUST TOO BAD, these are just little kids for crying out loud. Oh, by the way out of the 11 on the team, 9 are on AAU, only mine and another is not.

Just to clarify one little bit here. My son is the youngest on the team, all the rest are 12 years old. Not that should matter, but it might emotionally for my kid.

Ok, now I see the light!

It Is JUST TOO BAD, these are just little kids for crying out loud. Oh, by the way out of the 11 on the team, 9 are on AAU, only mine and another is not.


He is playing these kids to give them experience for his AAU team... . You are right, at this level he should be playing everybody ELITE team or not...... 11 year olds play to have FUN..... coaches need to teach everyone the fundamentals and let them PLAY... at least one quarter.

The high school level is different .. the best kids play.... especially on the Varsity. When I was the Sophomore Coach...I tried to play 8 guys.... 3 guards and forwards and 2 centers. IF I could get more in the game I would.but I felt it was my job to get 8 guys ready to play every year. When I became the Varsity coach... I told my sophomore coach what I wantred him to do. Thats high school....this is YOUTH ball.

OK, now that I have vented for you too..... ha ha Relax, encourage your son to play hard in practice - enjoy the rest of the season and move on. This was/is a learning experience for all of you.

GOOD LUCK
ps - you can talk to us any time.

Coach Sar,

Son went up to coach after practice on Monday night and asked when he is going to get a chance to play? Coach did not respond to him. He told me that he would talk to son, that night and evidently, he did not.

Should I leave things alone and let son try to do it?

I want to reach acrossed the table and just shake this guy awake! The kid is begging to get in.

Advice?

There is an old saying..... " IF B.S. Was Music, HE Would be a Brass Band! "

I think YOU would be wasting your time... JMO I would just ell your son to kep ASKING..... he has to run out of excuses somewhere along the line. He is lying to your son and YOU..... This time tell your son to ask him when practice ends... that way he cant get away, How does he look at himself in the mirror?

If he had any guts at all, he would tell your son that he is not ready to play yet ... fot these reasons...... X X X

I hope you don't donate to the year end gift if they do that there.

You can only control what you can control and obviously this coach isn't something you can control. Sounds like your son will miss this weekend's games which leaves 4 remaining games after that. This appears to be one of those situations where you "cut your losses" and move on.

Amen to that Rob!!

To me, its not controlling the guy, its trying to get an honest answer from him... and obviously, that isn't goint to happen.

Move on, make sure you do your homework regarding the next team and AAU ball..... the coaches/the program and how things are run. Do they teach fundamentals? Does everyone get playing time? What are their expectations and what can you and your son expect? You might do well to talk to some other parents who have had kids that play or played for those coaches.