The Parent's Dilemma: When Silence is Golden in Youth Sports

If there's one thing about sports parents that I've learned in 20 years of coaching, it's this - there's an incredible correlation between how much parents like their child's coach and how much their child plays.

As a coach, this can be frustrating. When you try to treat kids well and the perception of parents comes down to the amount their child plays, that's hard. In fact, it's unfair.

And yet, having kids who are now playing competitive sports, I also can see how this happens. As parents, we love our kids more than anything. We want them to be successful.

When they are frustrated, we feel that. When they are unhappy, it affects our happiness. And that tends to color how we view the thing (sports) and person (the coach) that is creating those feelings.

When that happens, there is a tendency to want to reach out to try to fix the situation for our child (or sometimes, just to vent!). However, just because you want to reach out doesn't mean you should.

3 times you SHOULD NOT reach out to your child's coach.

1 - When you disagree with their strategy - a second thing I've learned about parents is most consider themselves coaching experts. While very few would tell an accountant or doctor how to do their job, the majority feel very comfortable telling their child's coaches all the things they're doing wrong.

Part of that is the public nature of what coaches do. Thankfully, we don't watch accountants do their job. That's not the case for coaches.

So, what should you do if you disagree with the coach's strategy? Maybe they are walking the ball up the floor and you know they'd be better off playing faster. Maybe they play man to man but you think they should be playing zone.

What you should do is. . . nothing! Why? Because it's not your place. First of all, you might be wrong. You aren't in practice every day. You don't have all the same information the coach has.

Second, even if you're right, it's not your place to speak up. For youth teams, if you wanted to coach, you should have coached. If you didn't, your role is to support.

It can be frustrating to watch what you believe is an ill-conceived philosophy. I understand that. But that doesn't mean you should speak up. In fact, you should do the opposite.

Support the coach and their strategy around other parents and players. If you don't, you are fostering negativity. Planting those seeds of doubt and discontent in your child's head will only harm them.

Ultimately, your best strategy is this - grin and bear it!

2 - To talk about other players - this seems obvious but in reality it's hard. Think about this - would you want the coach discussing your child with other parents? I'm sure you wouldn't.

Assuming that's accurate, you need to abide by that same guideline. Let me provide 2 caveats to this point:

If another player is doing something abusive to your child (hazing, for example) you absolutely should bring that up. That needs to be addressed immediately.

If you want to compliment another player and let the coach know something positive they've done, that's a great idea.

If you think a player plays or shoots too much, that's your opinion. You are entitled to it. But you really should keep it to yourself.

Don't bring that to the coach. It will not be a productive conversation. In fact, the coach may very well shut down the conversation immediately.

Further, just as with strategy issues, don't bring this up to your child. What is to be gained by criticizing their teammates? Is that going to help your child have a better experience?

If your child voices frustrations with a teammate, by all means listen. There is value in being an empathetic listener. But do not indulge them by piling on.

Try to get them refocused on what's in their control and then keep following up on that.

3 - Playing time (SOMETIMES) - of course we have to address this. Every parent wants their child to play a lot.

That is 100% understandable. Your child is putting in a lot of time and wants to play.

Unfortunately, only 5 players can be on the court at once. Now, how playing time is divided varies by age level. At the youth level, all players should be playing a significant amount (note, that may not mean equal).

As players get into middle school, every player should still play, but playing time starts to be based more on merit.

By the time players get to the varsity level, winning is the goal, and not every player will play.

If you are upset about your child's playing time, I get it. But you should not approach the coach about this unless one of the following conditions applies:

-The playing time guidelines above are not being fulfilled - if your child is on a youth team and is not playing, it's okay to approach the coach.

At that level, every player should be getting meaningful playing time opportunities. If that's not happening, you should respectfully talk to the coach.

-Your child is bothered by it. . . and has talked to the coach - there are 2 parts to this condition.

Is your child upset about their playing time? In my experience, parents are often more upset than their child. If that's the case, you should think about why that's so?

If your child isn't upset about it, let it go! That doesn't mean they don't want to play. It just might mean that they know the players ahead of them are better.

That said, if your child is upset about the situation, move on to step 2:

Has your child approached the coach about the situation (middle school and above)? If your child is frustrated, encourage them to talk to their coach.

Will they want to do this? Probably not. Should they do it? Absolutely. Having difficult conversations is part of growing up. If you do this for them, you are depriving them of an opportunity to grow.

You can help them prepare for this by role playing and talking through what they want to say. That said, make sure it's what THEY want to say, not what you want to say.

It will be hard for them to do this. And that's okay. They will be a better person for doing it.

If they do talk to their coach, it's likely the coach will give them some feedback or things to focus on. If so, you have to give your child time to do that.

Maybe the coach says better shooting will result in more playing time opportunities. If so, that won't happen in 3 days.

Give your child time to prove they will do the work. If they don't, there's no reason to approach the coach.

If they do, and they still aren't getting more opportunities, it would be appropriate to approach the coach.

A Simple Rule For A Complicated Dynamic

Before I had kids, I naively thought being a sports parent was simple. I now know better.

A lot of these situations are not black & white. So how do you navigate the shades of gray?

Here's one rule to guide you: Will speaking up help my child or will it just make me feel better for getting it off my chest?

If it's the latter, swallow your pride and your complaints.

That said, there are times it's the former. In our next piece, we will look at some other times when it IS appropriate to approach your child's coach.

There are times, though, when speaking up is appropriate. In our next piece, we will look at some other times when it IS appropriate to approach your child's coach.

What do you think? Let us know by leaving your comments, suggestions, and questions...

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