I was recently at a major AAU tournament with my 6th grade daughter.

At one point, my attention was drawn to a court adjacent to where she was playing.

Two of the best 6th grade girls teams in the tournament were playing. Both featured outstanding players.

Unfortunately, my attention was not drawn to the level of play. Instead, it was drawn to the behavior of the parents.

Despite there being plenty of seating, the majority of parents were standing. Not just standing, but hovering right on the sideline.

From there, most were yelling nonstop. At their daughter. At other players. At the coaches. At the refs.

As I watched this, I felt bad for all those groups - players, coaches, and officials. Mostly the players, though.

I assume the parents believed that in some way they were being helpful. That’s the scary part.

The State Of Youth Sports Parenting

You don’t have to look very hard to find stories of horrible behavior by sport parents.

Parents attacking umpires. Parents assaulting referees. Parents fighting each other.

It’s everywhere and creating a number of problems.

It’s appalling. It’s hard to believe any parents could allow themselves to completely lose their self control, especially in front of their child.

I’m going to guess that if you’re reading this, you’re not the parent trying to beat up the ref at your kid’s game!

That said, there still may be actions you take that are detrimental to your child’s athletic experience. More importantly, they might be detrimental to your relationship with your child.

We all want sports to build character in our children. We also want sports to bring us closer together. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.

Why This Is Harder Than It Seems

It seems so simple. We love our kids and we want them to be successful.

But that can actually be the issue. Because we love our kids so much, it’s hard to see them struggle.

Sports make this worse. If your child struggles in school, it tends to be more private. The teacher knows. Maybe a few other kids know. But it’s not on public display. 

Sports are different. First, everyone can see what’s going on. It’s not fun to see your child struggle. This can bring on strong emotions that cloud our judgment.

Beyond that, too many parents view their child’s sports performance as a reflection on them. They are so invested in their child’s athletic success. This prevents them from seeing the situation clearly.

If that success isn’t coming, one of two things happen. Some get mad at their child and take it out on them. Others get mad at someone else (refs, coaches, etc.) and take it out on them.

Finally, the value our society puts on sports success exacerbates this problem. In many households, athletic success is prized over academic success and good character. That is a sad reflection of our society.

I trust that you want to do better. So do I. Let’s look at some ways that we can be better, for ourselves, and most importantly, for our kids!

12 Ways To Be A Good Sports Parent

Before I had kids, I didn’t fully grasp the challenge of watching your children perform.

I am now much more sympathetic to the issues around sports parenting. By no means have I done all these things perfectly. But I’m trying.

Hopefully, some of these can help you as you seek to make the youth sports experience enjoyable for you and your children.

1. Don’t coach - there are a few reasons why you shouldn’t do this. Namely, you are creating dissonance for your child. When you sit in the stands and yell “SHOOT” every time they get the ball, you are putting your child in a bad spot.

   On the one hand, they are trying to please their coach. On the other hand, they want to please you. You probably don’t know what their coach wants them to do. So it’s likely you are yelling something other than what the coach is asking them to do.

   When that happens, the kid has to choose - listen to coach or listen to mom or dad? That’s a no win situation.

   When your child is playing, they need to hear one coaching voice - their coach’s!

   Even when you have something brilliant to tell them, don’t do it! There may be a time later on to talk to them about it, but during the game is not that time.

   If you want to coach, sign up to coach. Otherwise, be a parent and let the coach do their job.

2. Don’t make eye contact - this is a follow up to #1. Too many kids are constantly looking at their parents during the game.

   Sometimes they are looking for coaching instruction. We’ve already addressed why that’s a bad idea.

   Other times they are looking for validation. If you give them a smile or positive look, they feel like they have your approval.

   If you give them a negative look, they feel like they’ve let you down.

   Think about that - do you really want your kid focusing on getting your validation during a game? Of course not. Any energy they expend on that is not being put towards their best effort on the court.

   So don’t build the habit of having your child look at you. Remind them that they should be looking at and communicating with their teammates and coaches.

   You also need to be aware of your body language. If your child misses and easy shot or turns the ball over, don’t put your head in your hands.

   You’d be amazed how perceptive kids are when it comes to those types of things. If they sense your disappointment in their play, chances are it will only make them struggle more. That’s the exact opposite of what you want.

3. Cheer for everyone - maybe you think the coach favors one player. Maybe you think one kid shoots too much.

   In fact, maybe they do. But, that’s not your concern. You aren’t the coach.

   What is your concern is creating a positive and supportive environment for your child.

   One way to do that is by cheering for all players.

   If you don’t do this, your child will notice. If you badmouth other players, it will influence your child’s view of them.

   You don’t have to share your opinions. In fact, if it’s going to negatively influence your child, you shouldn’t.

   Instead, be supportive. Cheer for everyone. Go out of your way to compliment teammates who play a good game.

   This model for your child is one characteristic of a good teammate. Seeing you do it makes it more likely they will as well.

4. Don’t make the car a dreaded place - many kids dread the car ride after the game. It becomes a place where parents can unload their frustrations. It’s even worse because your child is trapped. They have no choice but to sit there and listen to it.

   If you are frustrated with your child’s play, it’s okay to address it. However, the car ride home is not the best place.

   As with most situations where emotions run high, getting some space helps. Give yourself a day (or at least a few hours) to let your emotions cool. Coming at your child when you’re running hot is not going to go well.

   You might feel better for getting your emotions off your chest. But, your child will be hurt and you’ll be doing damage to that relationship.

   Let everyone cool off. Then, if something needs to be addressed, you can do it with more clarity and less emotion.

5. Assume the best - most coaches are good people. They do it for the right reasons.

   But they are also people. In other words, they make mistakes. And, unfortunately, those mistakes are often public.

   Give your child’s coach the benefit of the doubt.

   I tell my parents every year that our relationship should not be based solely on how much playing time their son gets. Sadly, I find that’s rarely the case.

   If their child is playing a lot, I’m a pretty good guy and coach. If he’s not, I’m a clueless jerk.

   That makes me sad. I pride myself on treating all my players with respect and care.

   As I watch my girls play, I try to give their coaches the most generous interpretation. When they come home upset about something their coach said, I suggest that maybe he was just having a bad day. Maybe we should give the coach some grace.

   Of course, there’s a point where a coach’s behavior needs to be addressed. But all parents should start by extending the benefit of the doubt.

   When you stay positive about your child’s coach, your child will as well. That will only help them in their sports experience.

6. Let them know hard coaching is okay - many kids struggle to deal with hard coaching. Many kids have never had to deal with hard coaching. We’ve softened kids up to the point that any criticism is viewed as a threat to their identity.

   This is not setting them up for long term success. Hard coaching is a good thing. By hard coaching, I mean coaching that sets high standards and creates accountability when those standards are not met.

   As a parent, you should want that for your child. It might make for some tough moments . . . and that’s GOOD! Life will not be easy. Sports can help prepare them for that.

   I remember reading about a player who was upset because his coach was coming down hard on him. One of the assistant coaches told him he should change his view - “You know you’re in trouble when he’s not coaching you hard.”

   That’s true because when you coach someone hard, it shows you believe in them. If you didn’t think someone was capable, there’d be no point in coaching them. Hard coaching shows that a coach believes in your child.

   Remind them of that fact. Remind them that feedback and coaching are good and are tools to improve. If they view it that way, they’ll get better much faster.

7. Help them distinguish the message - I read a story about a player who played for Bobby Knight. He was frustrated because when Coach Knight came down on him he would give him instruction sandwiched between a string of expletives and insults.

   One of his teammates gave some great advice. He told him to listen to the basketball instruction and ignore everything else.

   This is good advice for your child, too. Hopefully their coach isn’t swearing at them. But sometimes, even a harsh tone of voice can prevent a player from hearing the intended message.

   Tell your child to listen to the content of the message, not how it was said. When they focus on the delivery, they are more likely to get dismissive or defensive. They miss the coaching and are likely to repeat the mistake.

   By focusing on the content, they are better able to apply the feedback, making them a better player.

8. Ask questions (and listen to the answers) - at some point, your child will be frustrated with their athletic experience. It may have to do with a teammate. It may have to do with a coach. It may have to do with something completely unrelated.

   Don’t assume that you know what’s going on. Because we know our kids so well, it’s easy to assume we know what’s going on.

   We often don’t. So instead of judging or immediately trying to fix the situation, ask questions of your child. Not accusatory questions (what’s wrong with you?), but inquisitive questions (what’s been bothering you lately?).

   By asking good questions, your child is more likely to open up to you. This makes it easier for you to help them through the issue. It also makes it more likely they’ll talk to you about tough stuff in their life, which is something every parent wants.

   In addition to asking the questions, make sure to listen. While you may not agree with their answers, it’s important to validate their feelings. Once you know how they feel, you can think about how to effectively address the situation.

   Knowledge is power. Gain that knowledge by asking questions and listening empathetically to their responses.

9. Help them have difficult conversations - when your child is having an issue, they might need to have a conversation with their coach.

   This can be tough. You may want to intervene and have the conversation for them. You probably shouldn’t (of course there are exceptions, such as issues of bullying or abuse).

   But you also shouldn’t just turn your kids loose with instructions to talk to their coach. What you should do is help them prepare for those conversations.

   A great way to do this is through role play. You can pretend to be the coach. Have them approach you with their concerns and work through the conversation.

   This serves a couple purposes. First, it makes them less anxious when they actually do approach their coach. They’ve practiced what they are going to say. This should make them more comfortable.

   Second, they can anticipate how their coach might respond. You can help with this through how you guide the conversation.

   Role play is a great way to empower your child to have a difficult conversation. Usually, when they do approach their coach, the conversation is much easier than they feared. Whether it is or not, you are teaching them a life skill in how to deal with challenging situations.

10. Volunteer - at every level, there is some way to help the team. It could be helping with communication. It could be helping with meals for the team.

    Get involved. Ask the coach how you can help. This helps build a positive rapport between you and the coach. It also models a spirit of service to your child.

11. Base your praise on behaviors rather than outcome - every year, I ask my players what is the first thing people ask them after a game. There are two common answers. “Did you win?” and “How many points did you score?”.

    What we acknowledge shows what we value. If the first thing you ask your child about is their scoring, they internalize that scoring is what matters to you.

    Is that what you want? Probably not.

    If not, praise behaviors first. If your child played with tremendous effort, start by complimenting that. If they sprinted over to help up a fallen teammate, celebrate that. If they were up cheering on the bench for their teammates, praise that.

    I know you want your child to become a better person through sports. If so, recognize them when you see behaviors that demonstrate that.

    Beyond that, behaviors are totally within the control of your child. Making shots isn’t. We all want our kids to focus on things they can control.

    Sometimes shots go in. Sometimes they don’t. That said, you can always be a great teammate. In fact, it’s even more special to be a great teammate on the days when shots aren’t going in.

    Getting noticed for that is powerful. Make sure you do that!

    That doesn't mean you shouldn’t celebrate a good performance. It’s okay to do that, too. Just make sure that doesn’t become your sole focus at the expense of positive behaviors.

12. Make sure they KNOW your love is not based on performance - I’ll confess something. A couple times after my daughter has had a tough game, she’s asked me, “are you mad at me”?

    It makes me sad even to write that. Of course I wasn’t mad at her. Do I want to see her play well? Yes. But does her performance make any difference in how much I love her? Of course not.

    So that’s why it made me sad. If I did something to make her feel I’d be mad at her for not playing great, that’s a huge failure - on MY part. I don’t think I have, at least consciously. But as I mentioned earlier, kids pick up on things that we sometimes aren’t even aware of.

    When she asked me that, I reiterated what I wrote above. My love for her has nothing to do with how she plays (or even if she plays). My love is based on her value as a person.

    Too many kids feel like they have to earn their parents’ love and approval through performance on the court. Make sure that’s not your child.

    Remind them of how much you love them. More importantly, remind them that love is unconditional. No game will ever change that!

The Battle Worth Having

Sports parenting is hard! There’s no way around that.

We all want our child to succeed on the court. We want them to succeed far beyond the court. We also want to build great relationships with our children.

All those things can happen if you use the ideas above.

You won’t be perfect - neither will I! But in continuing to try, both us and our children will become better people. That’s a goal worth fighting for!

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