One Time Discretion Is The Better Part Of Valor

Your child has been wronged. You're sure of it. It's now time to:

Confront the coach
Embarrass the coach
Try to get the coach removed/fired
None of the above

While A, B, & C seem so tempting, the correct answer is D. This isn't to say that a meeting/discussion may not be necessary, but very rarely should that be the initial approach.

We recently talked about some scenarios where it's appropriate to approach the coach. Let's say you find yourself in one of these situations. How should you handle it? Read on to find out...

5 Guidelines For Talking To Your Child's Coach

1. Attack the issue, not the person - Your child's coach deserves respect. They are an adult who is either a paid professional or is giving up their time in a volunteer fashion. Either one of those merits consideration.

The way you approach them will go a long way towards determining if the meeting is productive. If you come in firing off accusations, that will immediately put the coach on the defense.

Be aware of your tone. Even if your words aren't harsh, your tone might be. Do your best to speak in a measured way.

Finally, remember your goal - which is hopefully your child's well-being. With that in mind, try to make the coach your ally. They are much more likely to feel that way if you make the meeting about your child rather than about their coaching.

2. Listen with an open mind - Once you've settled on your approach, you should seek their version of events. As we know, kids (even honest ones) can be prone to telling stories in a way that may not be 100% accurate.

If you come in with the conviction that your child's version is 100% accurate, you might be in for a big surprise.

Instead, relay what your child has told you (or what you think you've observed). Then ask the coach to share their version.

You might be shocked to learn that what you've heard isn't really what happened. Even if it is, you will get some insight into the coach's thinking.

3. Wait 24 hours & email first - One mistake parents make is reaching out to a coach right after a game. I understand the inclination. Emotions are high. However, acting when emotional usually leads to suboptimal results.

If you reach out right after a game, you are more likely to say something you'll regret. Same for the coach. In fact, many coaches have rules in place that they won't have conversations immediately following games, and this is for good reason.

So do yourself and the coach a favor - sleep on it. I'm reminded of the story of Abraham Lincoln penning angry letters to his generals during the Civil War. However, rather than sending them, he would put them in his desk drawer.

Just the act of writing the letter was therapeutic. That might be the case for you too. If nothing else, save it in your drafts until the next day and see if it still seems like a good idea to send.

With that in mind, email is the most appropriate means of communication (unless the coach has said otherwise). There should be boundaries between parents and coaches.

Emailing a request for a meeting is preferable to a text or phone call. State the reason for the meeting and provide some times you are able to meet.

4. Hope for your resolution, be okay with honesty & clarity - Just because you are getting a meeting doesn't mean you will get what you want.

Imagine your child was Tom Brady's backup with the Patriots. You might desperately wish he would get a chance to play. He might be the hardest worker on the team. But he still wouldn't be as good as Tom Brady.

That's how sports go sometimes. You aren't entitled to your desired outcome. What you are entitled to is honesty and clarity from the coach. If you get that, be prepared to live with it, whether you like it or not.

5. Recap & plan ahead - Summarizing is important for you and the coach. It's easy for things to get lost in translation. Taking a couple minutes to go back over what you discussed is a good idea (as is note-taking during the meeting).

Then, if applicable, make a plan. What are the next steps for all the parties involved (player, coach, & parent)? By trying to get everyone on the same page before the meeting ends, you increase the likelihood of a positive experience for you and your child.

Be Wary Of The Pyrrhic Victory

The tendency we have as parents is to want to let the coach know why they are wrong. We want to win the argument and “prove” that our child is being mistreated or misplayed.

But if you zoom out, that's really not a very good strategy. You might win the battle (the argument) and lose the war (your child's experience).

By going into the meeting with a non-confrontational mindset, you are much more likely to get the win that matters - a better experience for your child.