Joe asked to meet with me one day after practice. I had a feeling I knew what was coming. I could sense he was frustrated with his playing time.

He started the conversation this way - “Coach, what can I do to help the team and earn more opportunities to play?”

A couple weeks later, Henry asked to meet. I anticipated this would also be a playing time conversation.

He started the conversation this way - “Coach, why don’t you play me more?”

Knowing just that, you can probably guess which conversation was more productive.

Talking to your coach about playing time is not easy. No one is saying it is. But for players in middle school and above, it’s necessary to be able to approach your coach with your concerns.

In my 20 years of coaching, I’ve had a lot of playing time conversations. Most have gone really well. A few haven’t.

Here’s some of the keys to making this a fruitful and not a frustrating discussion.

7 Best Practices For Talking To Your Coach About Playing Time

1. Make sure your ABC’s are in order - I recently read an article by JP Nerbun from TOC Culture. In it, he talked about a player’s “ABC’s” - academics, behaviors, and commitment.

If you are not doing your part in those 3 areas, don’t bother talking to your coach about playing time. If your grades are bad, why would your coach want to reward that with more playing time? If your attitude and effort are subpar, do you think that’s going to merit additional minutes?

The attitude and effort part can be hard. It’s easy to get discouraged when you aren’t getting the minutes you want. It can be a natural tendency to give less effort when that happens.

Don’t do that! Keep holding yourself to the highest standards. That earns you the opportunity to meet with your coach.

 

2. Schedule ahead of time - give your coach the courtesy of scheduling a meeting in advance. This does a couple things. It allows your coach to prepare for the meeting.

If you try to have an impromptu conversation, your coach may not be ready to discuss the issue. That can lead to a lack of clarity.

Your best bet is to talk to them before or after practice and ask for a time to meet. It is even better to tell them what you want to meet about. If that isn’t an option (an in person request is always best), a text should suffice.

3. Focus on the problem, not the person - look back at how Joe and Henry approached me. Joe’s statement was focused on the issue. What can I do to earn more time?

Henry’s was more focused on me. Why was I not playing him more? A statement like that is likely to put your coach on the defensive.

Try to get your coach on your side. It’s not you versus them. It’s you and them versus the problem.  Your coach wants to see you succeed and play well. Keep that in mind. Make them your partner in this and not your adversary.

4. Frame your argument in terms of the team - the best way to get them on your side is to frame your arguments for more playing time in terms of the team.

Your coach wants to win. Try to explain ways in which you feel you can contribute to that cause. Give concrete examples. Stay away from putting down your teammates. Stick to how you can add value. Keep in mind that you are concerned about your playing time and your coach must be concerned with the playing time of 15 players.

5. Stay calm and listen - playing time conversations can be emotional. It’s great that you care. However, you have to maintain your self-control. 

You may not hear exactly what you want to hear. And that’s okay. It’s better that your coach is honest with you instead of telling you what you want to hear.

With that in mind, make sure you are really listening. In these types of discussions, many people are just waiting for a chance to talk. They aren’t truly hearing what the other person is saying. You need that information to help you get the outcome you are seeking.

If you don’t get the answer you are looking for, keep your composure. Losing your cool will only hurt your cause.

6. Leave with a plan - it’s unlikely that you are going to leave the meeting with an immediate commitment of more playing time from your coach. What’s more likely is a pathway your coach will provide to more playing time.

Make sure you are both clear on it. In fact, I’d suggest writing it down so that there's no gray area. Does your coach want you to commit to extra shooting? Does your coach want you to work harder on the glass?

Whatever it is, make sure you are on the same page. That allows you to follow up after enough time has passed for you to implement the improvements your coach is seeking.

7. Thank your coach for meeting with you - playing time conversations are tough for everyone. As a coach, I can tell you that I don’t enjoy explaining to a player why they aren’t playing.

I know it’s necessary, but that doesn’t make it fun. Thank your coach for taking the time to sit down and talk with you.

As I said earlier, you want to work with your coach, not against them. Expressing gratitude for the information and suggestions that come out of the meeting helps maintain a positive relationship.

How Facing Difficult Conversations Leads to Real Growth

Even if you implement all 7 tips above, having this conversation will still not be easy.

But that’s okay. I’ve always respected my players who’ve come to me to have a mature conversation about playing time.

Keep this in mind - the anticipation is almost always worse than the reality.

Having courageous conversations is part of growing up. Like many rewarding things in life - you won’t necessarily look forward to doing it, but afterwards you’ll be glad you did!

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