Coach Your Kid Without the Power Struggles
If you're a youth coach who is reading this, odds are you are coaching your own child.
That's great. Or at least, it should be!
The reality is that coaching your own child is challenging! I can attest to that from my experience coaching my daughters.
Here are some lessons I've learned—some from others, some from experience—that can help make coaching your child a good experience.
I hope they help you use sports to become closer with your child!
12 Tips For Coaching Your Own Child
- Make sure your child wants you to coach - this is a critical first step. You should only sign up to coach if your child wants you to. If they don't, it's going to be tough to make it a positive experience.
- Don't go too easy on them - the spotlight will always shine brightest on the coach's child. Don't go easy on them. It's the quickest way to create resentment from other players and parents.
- Don't go too hard on them - most parent coaches go to one extreme or the other. Going hard on your child makes it clear to others that they aren't receiving special treatment.
- Have your child treat you as "coach" at practice - boundaries are important. Have your child call you coach at practice. It shows respect for your position. It also sends a positive message to the other players on the team.
- Don't talk about their teammates negatively - all coaches experience frustration. Don't let that result in you talking badly about their teammates. First, that's not an appropriate thing for you to do. Second, those are their friends. You put your child in an uncomfortable position when you talk about their teammates.
- Respect their privacy - you may wonder what certain players think of the team, you, or other players. As a result, you might be tempted to ask your child. Fight this urge. If you wouldn't ask it of another player, don't ask it of your child. That puts your child in an unfair position.
- Use your assistants - if you are lucky enough to have an assistant coach, task them with coaching your child. While you may not be able to do this 100% of the time, it's a good practice when possible.
- Leave basketball at the gym - many kids dread the car ride home after the game. Why? Because they are trapped in a space with a parent ready to tell them all the things they did wrong.
- Let them come to you - given time, many kids will ask for feedback. If you let that happen, your feedback will be received much more favorably.
- Zoom out - ask yourself if what you want to do or say will help or hurt your relationship with your child. Are you providing meaningful feedback from a place of care? If so, great—that's meant to help them. Or are you just venting your frustrations because they didn't perform to whatever standards you think they should? In that case, bag it—venting is about you.
- Praise them - this is one I am working on. My daughter will play a good game. When we talk about the game, I'll spend 20% on that and 80% on things she could work on. I don't deliver that 80% in a demeaning way. But the numbers don't lie. Even though I'm well-intentioned, she internalizes that ratio to mean there was much more "bad" than "good" in her performance.
- Have fun - this sounds obvious but is easily forgotten. You signed up to coach to help your child and their teammates. They signed up to play to learn and have fun.
However, if that comes at the expense of your child's experience, is it worth it? As much as possible, strive to treat them the same as the other players on your team.
If you really want to know what a certain player is thinking or feeling, ask that player (or their parents, depending on the age) directly.
All parents know that sometimes the message gets through better coming from a different voice. An assistant can be that voice for your child.
Don't be one of those parents. Talk about school... or friends... or what music they're listening to. Just don't force a breakdown of their performance on them.
Remember this when you want to tell them something and they aren't in the mood to hear it. Take a deep breath and give them (and you) time. You'll be glad you did.
Remember that your relationship goes far beyond the court. Try not to do anything that you'll regret later on.
Make sure to celebrate with your kids when they do well. They love hearing that from you.
Once games start, it's easy to overlook those goals. Please don't. In 20 years, your child likely won't remember that dribble move you taught them. But they will remember how it felt being coached by you.
How do you want them to remember that? Act accordingly.
I hope these tips help make coaching your child a great experience! If you have other ideas, please share them with me. I (and my daughter) would appreciate it!
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