I Am A Coach's Wife

My husband has been a High School basketball coach for 19 years and I have coached Junior High girls basketball for 13 years. I couldn't agree more with you. I have seen my husband have to deal with so many parents who have never asked their child what they think of their role on the team. They just automatically jump the coach. Sometimes parents don't realize how much their child means to the coach. That the coach is not trying to hurt the athlete but instead make them a better person and teach them. I just want to thank you for writing this. Thank you!!

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pat poulakis says: 9/26/2015 at 1:01:31 PM My husband began coaching soccer nearly 40 yrs ago. We have missed birthdays, Mothers' day, Fathers' day Anniversaries because he had games. Sometimes I was with him at the games and sometimes not. He loves the sport, is very good at what he does and I love him so it all balances out.⚽ Like     login   register

Deborah Feagle says: 9/27/2015 at 11:59:16 PM I agree with the article. I coached junior hiigh, junior varsity and varsity girls basketball (7yrs) and junior high softball (4yrs) and some kids didn't even want to be out there. Their parents were living through them and making them play when they really didn't want to. Coaches are to teach kids about life and the sport they play, along with TEAMWORK. Parents are wanting to control everything. I always made sure all my kids got to play and some parents didn't even like that. God bless all coaches and what they have to deal with today. Parents can be cruel. Like     login   register

Great article...thanks for sharing and Renae, thanks so much for writing it. I've been in coaching (AAU, MS, JV, Varsity) for a while now and I resonate with this article.

I think she hit the nail on the head. The problem with so much of the current basketball landscape is adult lust for glory.

It certainly starts with parents living their dream through their kid but it bleeds over to coaches, organizations, etc. I'm not overly religious, but I do believe pride is one of the 7 deadly sins...& perhaps the most damaging.

Thanks again.

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Great article....My wife read it and agrees 100%. I have been a head varsity basketball coach for 27 years and counting. Seen lots of changes in the game and in kids and parents. I have had some great parents but I have also had parents who had boys that were All District when they were born!!! LOL

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I agree totally with what you have to say when you have a good/great coach. The bigger issue in youth sports is when you have a bad coach. First and foremost he or she sets the tone. If they are screamers then the parents seem enabled to do the same. What I advocate is 1. A clear "written" statement of the coaches expectations for the upcoming season - I say written because they will say one thing at the parents meeting and then do the opposite during the season. 2. Have a survey at the end of the year asking for pro and cons. Obviously people have different objectives but their has to be some accountability. I firmly believe the objective "prior" to high school should be development of each play both game and practice.

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Joe Haefner says: 9/25/2015 at 11:33:03 AM Great points, Mark. There needs to be accountability across the board... coaches, parents, and players. Like   2 people liked this.   login   register

Chuck says: 9/25/2015 at 1:38:27 PM Mark while I agree with your comments as far as they go many "bad" coaches simply lack the confidence and skill but get caught up in the drive for "glory". Being on the courts as an official for 50+ years I have watched well meaning people struggle to coach because they don't have the people or ball skills required. Mix in raging parents and they go limp - never to come back. When good coaches observe this they need to step up and help steer this individual on a positive path. I sat with a "screamer" after over hearing parents on the side lines criticize his behaviors. No one brought that to his attention for fear their child would be isolated. The next game out you could hardly hear him in the huddles and there was a whole new positive atmosphere among his charges Like     login   register

Roscoe P. Coltrane says: 9/25/2015 at 2:25:42 PM Good article and refreshing perspective from a vital link in the chain in the development of student athletes. Ms. Zimmer, if all coaches were like your husband we wouldn't be addressing this controversial issue with such fervor. As an AAU Coach and parent of a student athlete I recognize that there needs to be a healthy balance by all of those stakeholders who have a vested interest in the student athletes development. Parents can be a part of the problem but so can coaches. Far too many coaches are not prepared or are ill equipped to manage a team, run a practice or develop athletes toward their full potential while parents need to learn how to take a back seat and allow their children to mature properly and take direction from others. All and all the culture is primed for reconstruction. Continued dialogue like this is a start and collectively adults need to keep in mind that the foundation of our efforts must be about developing the next generation of leaders. Like   1 person liked this.   login   register

This article is amazing and as a past player, a parent and a volunteer youth coach I completely agree on all levels.

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I do agree that parents are out of control in many ways. But, I would also like to point out that in our personal experience with both our boys, that there are a lot of coaches that are not encouraging to athletes. They like to degrade them and destroy their confidence. Coaches are also out for the wins and when you watch them scream, yell and throw things it is also very disappointing. Not just coaches that our coaching our team, but the other teams coaches as well. Not every coach is there to have a mentoring relationship with their athletes and not every coach has integrity. I think it is everyone's responsibility to clean up sports, parents, coaches and athletes.

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Joe Haefner says: 9/25/2015 at 1:18:03 PM I agree, Lisa. I've seen this firsthand. It's actually one of the many reasons we started this website... to educate coaches. From my experience, it typically comes to lack of education on how to coach. They see Bill Self or Coach K ripping into their players, so they think that's how they need to handle 10 year olds or 15 year olds. They neglect to notice that these coaches are professional coaches. These are also coaches that spend months and years with these kids EVERY SINGLE DAY. They've built that solid relationship that when appropriate, they can shake things up. And most of these players are much older and more mature. The have the background to be able to emotionally handle it. And the coach will often meet with them after something like that. They will talk things through. Not always, but usually the good coaches do. Most times, the guys that use these coaching tactics at the youth level are good guys. They just don't know any better. Less often but it does happen, there are the ego-maniacs. I still don't know how to get through to these guys. Like   1 person liked this.   login   register

Chuck says: 9/25/2015 at 1:49:49 PM Lisa I have heard so many parents complain about the tactics of their child's coach but seldom experienced anyone of them stepping in. A few of these coaches also chase away the young inexperienced officials that the game needs with bully tactics. They hurt the game and the athletes involved. On one occasion a group of older mentors for these young officials took silent action. Each time the coach screamed at a player or an official, one of these experience officials would walk over and stand directly behind his bench - by the time the 4'th showed up (no one said anything to the coach) he spent most of his time glancing over his shoulder and mumbling about being bullied but got no sympathy. He didn't return and the league found a new coach and began a program of instruction for coaches. All positives! Like     login   register

This was spot on! Great article from a great perspective - thanks for sharing!

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Part of the problem are the competitive coaching leagues that start in grammar school, and emphasize that kids should pick only one sport early in life, and only play that year round.

Years ago, kids were encourage to play a sport, then move on to the next season playing another sport. Kids only played for their schools. But now, there are so many non-school organizations that if the kid doesn't concentrate on one sport, they won't make their middle school teams.

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Joe Haefner says: 9/25/2015 at 1:25:42 PM Andy, in most cases, specialization is the worst thing you can do. It's a myth propagated by organizations that profit off year-round sports. Financially, I have nothing to gain from that! I run a basketball business. I have every financial incentive to propagate the same stuff. I trained a player who only played 3 months out of the year every year through 8th grade. By the time, he was a senior, he was the Missouri Gatorade Player of the Year. I also trained a player that got cut from an organization that had 6 teams in the 7th grade. He got cut from the 6th team! Last year, he started on his freshmen HS basketball team. This year he's got a shot to make the JV/Varsity team as a sophomore. And he's at a school with 1500 to 2000 kids. How much a kid practices prior to puberty is relatively unimportant... That's why Shaq got cut in the 8th grade. Bill Russell got cut as a 10th grader. Michael Jordan didn't make the varsity as a 10th grader. The stories like these are endless. Don't believe that you need to specialize for one second. It's actually the best way to burn your child out, so they don't practice outside of team practices and games. You may not even see the negative effects until they're a junior or senior in high school or entering college, but most times... they do come out. Like   1 reply   login   register Jay says: 9/25/2015 at 5:02:20 PM Joe: What you say is mostly true in basketball where the game changes so much after 8th grade. However, in soccer, if you haven't developed high level foot skills by age 12, the world of soccer is largely closed. Basketball is very different because of the unique challenges to shoot a basketball from 20 feet plus and the athleticism necessary to compete. I can't think of any successful players that didn't drastically change their shooting form between sixth grade and 9th grade...some do it early, some do it late, but all the successful ones do it at some point. As much as this is a basketball site, the topic is about specialization. My sons have all played both soccer and basketball because of the symmetry between the two sports. They played baseball early, but after about 11 there was just too much conflict in the style and demands of the sports. I do agree that players with great, unique size (like Shaq) or tremendous athleticism (Jordan) can get skills up to speed much sooner than others, but saying "how much a kid practices before 13 is relatively unimportant" isn't proven by these extreme athletic examples. Enjoy your website immensely. Like   1 reply   login   register Joe Haefner says: 9/25/2015 at 6:46:00 PM Jay, I appreciate your input. I always enjoy a good discussion! I would have to take your word in soccer. I don't have any experience with the sport. However, I am very skeptical as well, because of what I know in the youth basketball world. However, by talking to experts, I have heard that you can make more progress with soccer at an earlier age than compared to basketball. I guess you could say it’s an “Earlier developing sport.” However, I would like to make adjustment to my statement…” How much a kid practices prior to puberty is relatively unimportant... “ I should have said “How much a kid practices outside of a 3-month season prior to puberty is relatively unimportant.” At the same time, for basketball, I still believe it’s relatively unimportant overall. From my experience, it’s way easier to develop a player who has played seasonally or little at all up to around the ages of 12 to 15. The kids who have been playing year-round, it’s way harder to get them to practice and hone their skills. And continue to do so through high school. And you typically have to fix bad habits developed in the flawed youth basketball system. I found it easier to start with a clean slate. In regards to the Jordan and Shaq examples. I listed them because they are well known names. And your points are valid in regards to athleticism and size. Steve Nash didn't start playing basketball until age 12 or 13. According to the typical basketball standards, he is not considered a great athlete (even though I might argue that we need to redefine athleticism) and his size certainly wasn't. And the two examples I listed before Jordan & Shaq were with players that I've trained. They are not exceptional athletes nor do they contain good size in basketball standards. One started serious training around age 15. The other started around age 13. One player is 5'10. The other is 6'5, but he lacks wingspan. He's built more like the proto-typical 6'2/6'3 shooting guard since their vertical reach is the same. Whether, kids start at 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, etc. is probably highly individualized and depends on the sport. But generally from what I've seen in the basketball world, if you start practicing too much too soon, you run into all sorts of issues. And everybody thinks their kid is the exception to the rule. I prefer to be on the side of caution. As I believe it’s better to start too late than too early. I just don't think the risk of specializing early and practicing too much at an early age is justified. Additionally, switching gears a little bit... A recent study by AAHPER revealed that over 80% of kids who play in organized youth sports no longer play that sport after the age of 13. Injuries... According to the book, Sports Specific Rehabilitation by Robert Donatelli, "In 2001 an estimated 18 million children were treated for a sports/physical activity-related injury. Approximately, 50% of those injuries (9 million) were attributed to overuse mechanisms resulting in muscle damage." "If you can't reach them, you can't teach them." Is our goal really to develop the best athlete or the best person? If these kids are burned out by age 13, how are we going to instill character traits through sports that will help them be successful adults? Personally, I see sports as a means to an end to help produce better human beings...not saying that is right or wrong, just my opinion. Like   1 reply   login   register Steve says: 10/1/2015 at 1:11:56 PM Jay, I have to disagree on the "foot skills by age 12" I have been coaching youth soccer, high school soccer, and college soccer for over 30 years, and have had players at age 12 that would trip over the painted line walking on the field, who became All Conference players by their Junior / Senior year in High School....all athletes uniquely develop at different rates! Like     login   register

Renae - thank you for your honesty and personal touch. I am also a coach's wife and a varsity coach myself. We balance our lives around our two own children, teaching jobs, and our coaching. We love what we do and wouldn't have it any other way. I agree that parents have changed. The mindset has changed.

When we were in school - the LAST THING we wanted was our parents to contact a teacher or coach. We knew it meant less playing time or we were going to be in serious trouble. I would have been mortified. We have a generation whose parents are quick to email, call, or stop by a coaches doorstep because it's convenient for them. Even worse - when you say something to an athlete or they are upset, they call their parents as soon as they walk out of the gym on their cell phone.

My husband is a HS Men's Basketball Coach. He dedicates everyday to his job. He takes every free moment he has and tries to share it with his own two children. It is difficult, but we both make it work. We have a very loving and supportive family and it helps.

We have had parents call, family members show up at our front door, parents chew me out, and more because of playing time for HIS athletes. SOME (not all) parents live in a fictional world where they think their child is the next LeBron James or Tom Brady. When parents bring their complaints in our home - my husband turns them away. I truly appreciate him leaving it out of the house - but what kills me is that people think it is OK to interrupt your family dinner to discuss their sons playing time.

As coach's wives, coaches, and parents we have a role to play. Be it a moral coach, spiritual leader, and support what is best FOR ALL CHILDREN!

THANK YOU! I am so glad to hear this doesn't just happen to a few. All of you are an encouragement to my husband and I to do what is right for all.

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I wish all parents would read this article on the first day of their child's tryout/practice. How appropriate would it be for the coach to walk into the child's home and start ridiculing the parents parenting? Kinda puts it all in perspective!
We always say as coaches, " you have one child's interests in mind, we have all of their (children) interests in mind."

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Thank you for being a wife that understands and comprehends the time and the rewards in spite of the struggles from time to time. I've coached for 25+ years. At some point the dynamics and the attitude of the high school athlete and parent shifted from "team" to "me," along with a sense of entitlement that just because I'm a junior or senior I should start or at a minimum get plenty of playing time. Nevermind my work ethic, effort and attitude...it should just be given to me. The most successful athletes that I have coached and that have gone on to be successful in college and professional level all have the same traits: humble, confident, tremendous work ethic, great attitude, team player and coachable. Those same athletes had parents with the same make-up. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

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My husband coached high school soccer for 40 years (I was around for 20 of them) and I coach now. You are precisely on target. It is a thankless yet the most rewarding job you can ever have. High school sports are just a game, with most athletes only going in life. Our job is mold our students in adults. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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As a coach of youth sports for many years I can tell you that I've seen it all. As a league we are working to tone down the mentality that winning is everything and trying to instill the foundation for not just a respectful team player, but a respectful person. Youth sports allows us an opportunity to fail without the punishments that you would encounter at your job. I try to teach my kids how to stand back up and learn from mistakes and encourage their teammates.

The most important piece of advice I would give to any new coach is to ensure that you set clear expectations of the parents. So often we focus on the child or the team and forget that we also need to coach the parents.

My wife is the most understanding and supportive friend that I have and I thank God that she is in my life. I would not be the man or coach without her support.

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Renae....Thank you so much for writing this article! I agree with you 100%. My husband has been a coach for 21 years and he absolutely loves his job. But there has been times that I've seen his passion for the job he loves diminished because of the harshness and hassle some parents cause. But due to his passion for the game and the students he pushes pass it all. It's not easy to sit back and watch what is going on but remain a silent partner and to be honest....I haven't always done so! But with age come maturity so I have learned to dismiss a lot of it.

It's good to know we're not in this battle alone....because as you stated in your article at the end of the day....both the parents and the coaches want the same and that is what's best for the kids!

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As a supportive parent of two student athletes, I feel this article, although really great, tells only part of the story. It''''s true that parents need to align the students goals and values and that the ''''team'''' is what''''s most important, not individual aspirations. This article sources a really great coach, husband, family man, who embodies integrity and mutual respect. In my estimation, this man is in the minority in youth sports. More often than not, I find that the youth team sports coaches are not focussed on ''''character-building'''', but instead on ''''winning games''''. That is a huge problem for kids who love to play sports, who are extremely passionate about his/her sport, and maybe moderately talented. They are cast aside so that the so called, ''''stars'''' can run the show. These coaches are also very demeaning and derogatory when it comes to kids who are human, and make mistakes. Instead of building them up, they break them down...thinking that is how to make them better. They spend very little time mentoring the lesser-talented athletes, even those who strive to be better, and more time focussed on winning at all costs. They spend more time spouting out insults an allowing other team members to bully the smaller, less talented team members, instead of rallying together and creating a sense of family.

I only wish there were MORE coaches in youth sports across the nation, like the one described in this article. Perhaps then we''''d have more harmony and build character in the youth of tomorrow.

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I have been coaching several sports for several years now and at various levels from Youth to Varsity. This year I am taking a break from coaching basketball because of last year''s parents; one in particular that I have known almost my entire life. He was a mentor/ and teacher to me in high school. He taught all of my siblings and I really respected this man.
I idolized this man growing up and I have tried to teach with the same vigor and passion that he used with me. All of those years of respect for him was thrown away in one basketball game by him trying to coach from the stands and belittling me as well as the other players.
I have seen him in public since and it is hard for him to look at me as well as me to look at him. Him from, I hope, shame and me from a feeling of disappointment.
I feel bad thinking I quit because of the parents. I have had several past players come to me wishing I could continue to be there coach. I have also had parents tell me how well the TEAM was playing because I seem to get everyone involved and I don''t play favorites. I don''t have star players and this particular parent was used to seeing their student play all the time in the past. I guess I was the first to not be intimidated by them during the season.
Anyway, to sum up, I think the article was great and some parents are trying to fix their mistakes or playing days through their children. Let the kids be kids...and remember...most kids k-12 aren''t playing to win a world championship. Shoot, a lot of the time they are happy to play for a snow cone...

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This is an awesome write up/letter. Really well written, fair, and provides alternative ways to handle situations.

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I played sports until I had kids, and a few years later I found myself coaching. It was largely through sports that I learned my strengths and capabilities. I learned to respect authority, the value of cooperation, and how to win graciously and to lose well.
I believe respect, fairplay, and integrity are being lost at the recreational sports level, so in responding to the issue of respecting and appreciating our high school coaches, I will limit my opinion by commenting solely on "recreational" sports. Please do not compare my reasoning to "travel teams" or teams where players are "cut", because even young players understand that competing to win is generally accepted on "travel teams."
Over 20 years ago I was asked to coach. It was an honor, but a heartbreak as well. I saw an environment where parents were coaching their own children and had the autonomy to pick their teams and determine playing time. If it were high school it would have been acceptable, because teenagers should be prepared to accept their limits and embrace their talents. Unfortunately, small children do not understand such complex matters. Additionally, children mature and grow at different rates. By not giving all players equal training, many potential future stars will either quit playing or will lack fundamental skills, leaving them unprepared to compete at their high school try-outs. Because of this disturbing realization, my primary goal has always been to press for equal training and fair playing time for all players. It has been tempting at times to stray from that goal, but by season''s end, more parents and players are satisfied, and all players gain the skills and confidence to continue competing in team sports. It seems disrespectful and arrogant to do it any other way.
A mean-spirited attitude has spawned from unqualified, self-centered coaches and that attitude is spilling forth toward the "real" coaches. There used to be respect for high school coaches, but untrained parent-coaches have sullied amateur sports. Since so many high school athletes were coached by their parents, many of their parents never learned "fan etiquette." They never learned to accept another coaches decision, or their child''s role on a team. They never learned to "cheer" but only to "direct." They never learned to be a patiently frustrated fan and parent. Unfortunately many of those same parents passed on those bad habits and character flaws to their own children.
To end my rant, I believe that the high schools have a civic responsibility to facilitate the youth programs in their districts. Potential youth coaches need to have a background check run, and participate in a brief but mandatory coaching clinic. Additionally, practice sessions should be occasionally and randomly monitored to ensure proper technical skills are being taught, and that the players are being treated fairly. Finally, there must be a formal agreement to guarantee fair playing time.
Players, parents, and fans need to believe that there is integrity in there local league. I have been involved in leagues where we were able to achieve such lofty ideals. It was difficult and sometimes painful, but I''ll bet nobody remembers the hardship, but I''ll guarantee that a bunch of kids, families, and coaches are forever grateful, and have cherished those seasons as some of the best of their lives.

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Coach Attertism says: 9/27/2015 at 9:03:04 PM A reply to Rand Thompson post. High school coaches should run the youth programs really? They are almost as bad as untrained parent- youth coaches as you you stated. Just a few examples: out of 20 4th graders trying out for travel basketball said high school coach only takes 8 players due to more playing time for the 8 players. So you're cutting 12 players if you can't carry 2 teams. Or you carry a 10 man roster that were cherry picked by the coach and still only the favorite 8 players seen significant playing time. So the 2 players parents who pay over $300 plus for travel and their kids see hardly any playing time seem fair to you? Or how about that varsity coach making it mandatory for his players to move his furniture to a new house location during the Summer? Or putting his hands on a referee during a home game like a puppeteer to simulate a travel call. Or carry 2 high school rosters for a Summer league program and instead of flattening teams so they "both" can compete he stacks one team yet again. Plus never went to see one single game of the team that had the mediocre players on? Would you want that coach teaching you child or children? I would hope not. And if your reply is that falls on the schools athletic director, remember its travel and has nothing to do with scholastic hoops. I coach at the modified/freshman level and referee in my district and see some of the worst coaching for kids who just want to play ball and have fond memories doing so. I know the X and O's better than most coaches in my area and guess what? I'm a parent-coach volunteer who doesn't get paid but put in my Summer's to continue training year round and AAU out of my own pocket. Can you say that's benefitting the kids/players progress and skills or having his own personal gains? This is rampant in "many" organizations. -Coach Like     login   register

In my opinion, this article, although well-written and largely on-point, neglects one super important point about players and parents and their expectations. There is an absolute lack of real, authentic, truthful assessment being communicated to each player and parent.

Part of this, I believe, stems from the "participation award" syndrome that has been perpetuated on competition. The idea that we don't want to discourage anyone, but rather reward them for showing up--not very real world.

Additionally, we get sports organizations that want to keep all the kids coming back (I guess for the money in it). They always tell the players and parents how well they are doing and how more work will pay big dividends.

How about telling Johnny and his parents this: (example) Johnny isn't very good at basketball. At 5'4" as a 10th grader, he isn't likely to excel at this game. I would never say that this can't or won't change, but wanted to be straight with you that unless something drastic happens, there MUST be something Johnny can do where HE will be the star--even if it's ping pong. If he chooses to continue to play, practice and devote himself to this game, I will help all I can. Similarly, I will embrace any decision he makes and support him in it. If he chooses to be the last player on our bench and that's what he earns, we will all know that he has done his best with his natural abilities. Thank you for raising a great kid!

How frequently does this happen? Every kid on the team and his parents deserve this type of assessment, along with a commitment of support by the coach. When in charge, Be in charge. It's a tough job, but it's an important job.

I never had this assessment as a kid...and we won a state championship in HS and I played Div I in soccer. But, to this day (our team was never filmed), I can't say I knew what my coach's assessment would have been. Who knows, it could have inspired me to even greater achievements.

Best wishes to all the coaches out there! Coach for excellence in all of your players and let them all do what they are great at--even if it's something different.

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I have been a HS football coach's wife fir 18 years... You have written in this article everything I have ever wanted to say. Thank you!

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The parent ( back seat driving)is totally out of control. It's as if the coach is not needed. Parents are pretty much running interference all the way. It must be nerve racking for a coach. If he has a game plan the parent is usually nit-picking it apart. Small stuff usually build up like a snow ball rolling down hill. The child is trying to do what's right for all the adults in the mix.

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Great articel, i have been coaching men, women and juniors here in australia and your problems you have mentioned, are the same here too. People, players, parents and supportors just need to repec tthe job everyone is doing and repsect the game. Your child will shine, somehow, somewhere down the track in their own way. Great article Renea and keep on coaching coach Zimmer. Enjoy the game

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I have been a coach for many years. I have coached my son’s in little league baseball. I’ve coached junior and high school football, basketball, baseball and softball. By no means do I think I know all the answers, in fact I’m learning something new every day. I have been exposed to a variety of coaching settings. However, this has been a philosophy I have adopted from over the years of coaching. One thing I have learned as a coach and coaching various levels, you have to care about the kids/players. You have to have a passion for what you ae doing. Yes, it can be tough with parents and the stresses of winning. As a coach you are not going to make everybody happy. But at the end of the day we must ask ourselves did we help our players become better people? Yes, we have to teach/coach our players, “the team” the necessary skills to be successful. We have to instill in them to work hard to understand that we might not win every time. But knowing when we leave the field or court “we” did everything in our power to win the game. We have to teach our kids to compete and instill in them it’s not always going to be easy. Usually, most kids/players get this. You always have to find a way to have fun no matter how well or how bad the season is going.
I’m not sure specialization for all younger athletes is ideal. I like for my athletes young and old to be exposed to a variety of sports. I believe it helps the athlete to be competitive in a variety of settings. Furthermore, who knows what sport an athlete may excel in once they get older? I also believe it gives the athlete a mental outlet to their “main” sport. We also have to take into consideration injuries that may occur from specialization in some sports.
I miss the days like when I was growing up. Neighborhood kids would get together and start up a pickup game of basketball, wiffleball (baseball), and football or whatever the sport . There were no refs, coaches, parents, scoreboards, or trophies.
I apologize for my ramblings.

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What a great article, Renae. I have coached basketball for different age groups and boys and girls for a lot of years. My son and I have coached AAU and YBOA girls basketball for the same group of girls since they were in 3rd grade and they have been very successful. This year a couple of our best players are going to play somewhere else because their parents think that they need "more exposure" to get that D1 scholarship, one of them against the girl's wishes to stay with "her team". I wish they had read your article first. I plan to share it with our parents when we regroup.

Thank you, and best wishes to you and Coach.

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Wow!! You said it perfect!! I played eleven years of professional baseball three years at division one baseball and one year in the MLB and I still got parents telling me what's best for their middle school baseball superstar. Society has lost its way . Everybody is an expert because they watched a couple of YouTube videos on a subject.

Great article again by the way!

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It's heartbreaking to see the look on a child's face when they don't get put in the game. You've pointed out parents who go overboard, but what about the coaches? No kid playing junior high sports should be benched....it crushes their confidence. How are they supposed to develop their skills if they don't play? A team is everyone not just a select few. What exactly is a coach teaching about teamwork when he/she doesn't let all of the players contribute to the outcome? Some Coaches pick favorites and only care about the win...how dare you point the finger at the parents.

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I am basketball coach and a Catholic Priest. I am not married but as a priest I have to sit with couples to sort out the family problems. Renae Zimmer's sharing throws light on many issues and provides lot of insights. I appreciate her sharing. It's awesome. Seldom people come across such understanding.
God bless you.
With regards
Fr. Jose Mariadas.

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Shuzi, I completely share your frustration with coaches letting the "stars" run the show. I completely understand earning playing time and those with the talent play. However, at the High School and even Middle School I want the "stars" to be role models not just for the talents but for their character. I witnessed poor behavior of athletes during games and see coaches not only tolerate it but baby these high school kids when they throw their tantrums. I respect coaches and schools that expect athletes to have more than talent and expect high moral character. Even though my son signs the handbook every year that this is expected I haven''t seen it really enforced. The mentality of winning at all costs seems to take over and the expectations are forgotten.

With that being said, I still think parents need to back off and let coaches coach and be supportive of their kids. I''d just like to see the start athletes be stars in other areas of their life and be a true role model for their peers.

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Shuzi....You are correct in all areas you mentioned about youth sports. We are the minority!! Those rear and well educated coaches, are very scarce.The "MAIN OBJECTIVE" when coaching youth Sport...... is "LIFE LESSONS" not wins and losses. I like to see kids who are dedicated and work hard, whom are without any talent to be the starters on their team. Because tomorrow those will be the best ones.We don''''''''t know at this very young ages who will be an elite athlete. Chronological age and Physical age are very important factors to know. What we are guaranteed is the MORALS,SCRUPLES ,RESPECT.... which is of greater value when coaching young athletes. I ask all parents!!! to ask for" BACKGROUND CRIMINAL SCREENINGS" of their children s coaches. Also !!....CERTIFICATION.

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I hear so much attitude about the "star athlete" it gets on my nerves. My daughter is considered a "star athlete" My daughter works very hard outside of her sports. She has straight As she takes all honors classes, she works out when other kids are sleeping, she is also in band and practices that as well. She is a star athlete on her school teams as well travel teams but it is because of hard work. The effort and time she puts in outside of the court or the field. Yes she gets more playing time than most, she earned it! What I see at the high school level are parents who want their child to play basketball at varsity level but the kid can't catch the ball, won't run down the court and get back on defense. In elementary school everyone got to play and they should however the reality of life is, if I am not qualified for a job I don't get it. I don't push my daughter to be a star, I push her to put in the work if she wants to play. People think she is a star athlete because I push her sorry to tell this secret of a "star athlete" parent but what we require in our home as her parents is to always do YOUR personal best. Give 110 % because anything in life worth having requires it! Coaches are impressed because they see her doing this and they know what the other parents don't know how much hard work and effort she puts in outside of practice and games. So parents who believe that every child should play or get equal playing time ask yourself how much effort does your child put in outside of practice, games, workouts. Did they earn their playing time? Coaches get accused of playing favorites but the reality is they are coaches a part of their job is to win and a good coach should win.

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Thank you for this article. My Coach has been coaching for 20yrs. The last 5 as a head football coach. We are in our 2nd season here and the "honeymoon" is over. He had to have two parent meetings this past week. What it all came down to was that their child was not getting enough playing time. Get this...the players were both freshmen!!! And, my son is a sophmore and has not played one snap this year!!! I have been at a Revive 15 conference this weekend and the statement was made to "breathe in grace....breathe out grace". Something that is not so easy. We, as the wives, know the time, effort and passion that our coaches put into their respective sport/team. We consider this our ministry and take it very seriously when it comes to making an impact on lives. As frustrated as I get and as protective I get over my coach, God sees our work. He sees my Coach's integrity. That is what really counts. We just need to keep on keeping on and God will take care of the rest. However, I do admit, a little trust in what my coach is doing....that would be awesome!!!!

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I have grown to believe that the lack of coaching/poor coaching in the youth levels is the root of the problems in athletics now. The majority of the coaches I have encountered now are coaching for the wrong reasons, whether it be AAU, USSSA, and even the almighty Pop Warner. The majority of coaches I have encountered are either coaching to highlight their child or to boost their ego by having a team that can win at all costs but not have the fundamentals of the game mastered. I have been out of youth coaching the last few years because of my chosen career(military if you are curious), but my children have been involved and I attend all of their competitions that I can. My son is unable to play Pop Warner football because he is a 6ft tall 185lb 12 year old and the team we are districted to did not have enough kids sign up for his division to have a team, but my daughter still cheers. Going to games and watching the kids play football drives me absolutely crazy because there are 26 kids dressed on the team, but they only play 16 kids more than the minimum play rule.

Youth sports(parents pay for their kid to be coached) is a different animal from school sports(players try out and are selected based on skill, talent and fit within the chosen system) and my opinion is that if all parents pay the same amount of money for their athlete to play, your job as a youth coach is to teach ALL athletes the skills to play the game, whatever that game may be and make the best effort to get EVERY athlete into the competition to evaluate the skills you need coach and teach more. You are failing as a coach and your organization should be refunding parents if you are not giving kids the opportunity to play and be evaluated.

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Coach Joe, Jay,

The escalation of youth sports(more specialization, more competition, more time) creates an environment where we are forgetting that it has not created many more D1 athletes, more pros. What we have gotten is maybe a better high school game. Maybe. It is very easy to get sucked up into this cycle as a parent though. And there is quite a bit of money being made now on competitive youth sports that I honestly didn''''''''t think was possible 20 years ago.

In coaching for 15 years(basketball and soccer) and with a competitive basketball team, I have noticed that most kids get to their current level of athleticism in most sports in about 6 months or less of intensive training.

Kids can take a year off and "catch-up" with some effort. Your current maturity/body is the limiting factor at any given time, not the last 5 years of specialization.

So play as many sports as you can, keep perspective, and for goodness sake have fun, learn some life lessons. That will stay with you the rest of your life, not how good your game is today.

BTW - great article.

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This is a perfectly written article...my husband has been a coach as long as he has been a teacher and I am so proud of him for both roles. He is so dedicated to teaching the kids on and off the court about being good people: to work hard, be respectful, encourage eachother and be good sports to the other teams; he teaches them to win and lose graciously. His student athletes are wonderful kids, and I have enjoyed the opportunity to cheer them on whenever I can make events and get to meet their families. He coaches different sports all year long and I am so proud of him. We were both student athletes in high school and college, and our coaches had a huge impact on us. I never realized just how much time and dedication it can take out of a coach's personal life to be a coach until my husband started doing it-but seeing the positive impact he has on their lives is amazing and whenever I can make it to games/meets it is so exciting to cheer them on.

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We are dealing with that right now. My husband is a great coach! He is always researching to help his team, picking up players (if need be), getting there extra early to be prepared for his players, fundraising, setting up games and tournaments, and overall has the best in mind for his players. There are a few that have complained (about playing time no doubt). He can get a little negative when players make the same mistake over and over, however, not in an inappropriate type of way. Well his baseball organization decided to cut him out all of a sudden. It is not fair at all. That man works harder to coach than anyone I have ever met. He cares and is passionate about the game. He knows the rules and really tries to develop the team and do what's best for the team. He has brought the program so much money by bringing in 4 other teams for the owner. He finds funding to help out all the time. He has designed uniforms and basically helped this guy run his business. There was no real discussion either. I can tell he is sad and stressed and hurt. He tries to hide it, but I see it. These few other parents don't see what I see. It is so sad that he is being treated like this. I'm so angry and sad for him. I don't know how to help him.

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