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After reading the article I Do Have Favorites, written by an unknown author, I was inspired to write my own version…
I’ll bet every coach has been accused of playing their favorites!
I have yet to be directly accused of this by a parent. But I’m certain a few parents think that I do.
Well, they are right…
I do play my favorites.
My favorite players show enthusiasm, look at me when I talk, hustle, show up on time, put in extra effort, always do what I ask, help teammates, tell the truth, never say the word “can’t”, never give up, have no fear of making mistakes, maintain a positive attitude at all times, say “thank you”, show respect, routinely show acts of kindness, commit to excellence, lead by example, treat others the way they want to be treated, enjoy practices, show character on the court, show character off the court, and so on.
Those are my favorites and I play them more. And I should.
If I didn’t, I would be reinforcing bad behavior.
I, of course, want every single player to improve, have fun, and learn life lessons.
So I try very hard to get every player PLENTY of opportunities and help every player develop those positive qualities.
But if a parent or player accuses me of playing favorites, they are right. I do. And I should.
I will constantly try to encourage the intangibles. The positive character traits. One way to do that is through playing time and by communicating with players.
This is not the only factor when it comes to playing time but it certainly is a factor. And my players should know that — otherwise I’m not doing my job.
Thank you for this article. I was asked to be the softball coach two years ago because my knowledge of the game. but the most rewarding part has absolutely nothing to do with softball and everything to do with character.
I use the term coach with great respect. Coach I think this is a great article for the proper grade level. Does the concern for playing time come at the high school level? High school sports is a time to learn and develope life skills. It is not about the game or going pro most of the time. It is about learning to work hard, listening, dedication, selflessness, team work, dealing with adversity, and much more that has nothing to do with playing time. It is easier to blame the coach than to look in the mirror.
Brian – Thank you for the comment. In my opinion playing time at the high school level takes into account a number of things… the character traits mentioned in the article, who will give you the best chance to win, team chemistry, following team rules, practice attendance, and of course eligibility. I know some coaches have their own rules in regards to grades and school attendance as well and will base playing time on that.
Regardless of your criteria, I think it’s important to communicate with players what you are looking for. Then follow through. If I have two equal ability players, I give the player that does all the intangibles I mentioned the edge for playing time. Sometimes at the high school level, I’ll have kids that have such incredible character I’ll give them a little time here and there even if they aren’t the best player. I sometimes reward them.
But ultimately I have to put a competitive team on the court because many life lessons aren’t also learned from that. Players learn from both succeeding and failing. Often times you learn more from failing… whether it’s losing a game, not making the team, not getting playing time, or coming up short of your goals.
I have even used stats to determine playing time in some situations and use the VPS formula (a player rating system) to motivate players and effect playing time.
Determining playing time is a touchy and complicated subject. There are so many factors. That is part of coaching and one of the challenges of coaching. As long as you’re making a positive impact on a players life, to me that is the most important thing and what I strive to do. Every coach has their own way of doing that and they have to do what works for them. In this blog I try to share what works for me.
I had a situation where a parent thought the team was about their child starting each game,and when they(player-child) didn’t start this Particular game it was a Major problem..mind you (all)the other players had sat out of starting line up at one time or another But stop the press because the team would suffer and lose without their kid not starting..Do I have my favorites..No…but I do have ones that can handle Pressure,the rock,D-up,and can raise to the Challenge. I DO agree with what coach Jeff says about rescept,hustle and rewarding those players. Parents instead of Embarrassing yourself or child ask what you can do for your kid to make them that starter ,sixth man or just a team player. Do you send them to camps or work with them at home or have them extra early to practice to get those extra shots up or pick the coaches brain about input? Reality those are the so called Favorite players that do this ,it’s that simple NOT Favorite
Coach – Good point! I agree those are important factors in regards to playing time too. There are so many factors when it comes to playing time. See my reply to Brian below for other factors I think are important. Thanks for commenting!
I appreciate your perspective, as many should, but let me first ask you when you encounter a situation to play an athlete with the intangibles you wish your “favorites” to have against an athlete with better innate ability, who will you play? Second, what about scenarios in which athletes may not wish to speak up and ask questions, may be too nervous to make mistakes, or not have the confidence to lead my example? Perhaps those who show up late because their family situation is not as functional as most to arrive early or on time? There may an entirely different side to an athlete internally than you what you receive externally. How do you discover that?
Good question. The answer is… it depends. As I mentioned in my reply to Brian below, there are lots of factors when it comes to playing time.
There have been times when I simply have not played my best player because I believe it was his best interests and the teams best interests to sit him. But 99% of the time my best player is on the court because most of our kids show good character. We preach character from minute one of the first meeting and practice. They quickly figure out what is important to us. And sometimes playing time and/or bench time is a quick reminder for them what is important.
The bottom line is this. Every situation is different. And I believe you need to take into account what is best for each player and the entire team. It’s not always easy to figure out. But that is both the challenge and what makes coaching fun.
Sorry, forgot to respond to your second question:
“Perhaps those who show up late because their family situation is not as functional as most to arrive early or on time? There may an entirely different side to an athlete internally than you what you receive externally. How do you discover that?”
That also is part of good coaching… developing relationships with players and becoming a great communicator. Usually a simple question to the player give you insight… “Jimmy, why were you late?”
If that doesn’t reveal the problem, hopefully your one on one meetings, talks before practice, and just the time you take to get to know the player reveals these issues at home. And sometimes other parents, players, or people in the program will let you know about the situation… especially if you have an “open door policy” and conduct yourself as an approachable person.
Very good point,I would say it is important to have a on open line of communication with player and parents with different situations and you can’t treat every player the same , some respond differently to verbal command as oppose to a pat on the back it’s what makes ever player different. I recently sat a starter and parent was not a happy camper. I did it to make the other 4 starter’s plus my less experienced player’s work harder, communicate and depend on each other more and get that NEW starter some confidence, experience and self esteem on and off court. Sometimes it’s those less experience player’s that just say WOW I’m starting the game and respond or just happy to be a role player
Coach, your article is well written. However a lot of “sport parents” of young children are using it to justify their consistent benching of young (7,8,9) year old players in recreational sports for the “travel” players. As a wife of a former D1 athlete and a former D1 caliber athlete myself (Turned it down for academic scholarship – I played in the days prior to the WNBA!) I am increasingly distressed by the justification of playing the perceived “star” or “favorite” players, when it’s just plain and simple politics wrapped in a candy coating. The craziness and competitiveness of youth sports is damaging our young people’s mental and physical health (repetitive sports injuries from too early specialization, etc.) and I for one, as a mother of five, will not buy into this mentality. Children need to have fun until they are post-pubescent and then make the decision as to what to focus on. Children are being pressured by coaches to go to their chosen camps, play one sport all year long, and to be mean to those less skilled for what? A trophy? A championship? A tournament win? They are CHILDREN! When you are in MS and HS sure – play your favorites, but in youth sports, they all should play!
Hmmm. That definitely was NOT the intent of the article!!! My intention is always to have a positive impact.
You are absolutely right that all young kids should get a chance to play. It’s all about making a positive impact on as many players as you can. That’s the whole point.
If parents and coaches are taking this article out of context, that is a real shame. I’m not sure what to think about that. I have received countless emails from people that understand the message and feel that the article has helped them. So I know it’s helping in some way. But it really bothers me if this article might be having a negative impact on your sports.
If they are truly this delusional, will they still follow their ridiculous antics regardless of this article? If you or anyone has suggestions on how to solve this, please let me know. If needed I’ll just take the article down.
You are totally right… the most important thing is to HAVE FUN and then allow kids to learn life lessons while they have fun with these sports.
If a coach is not playing an 8 year old and giving the superstar all the minutes, that is ridiculous. As a youth coach you are supposed to be helping these kids. How do you help an 8 year old by sitting them on the bench all the time?? They needs lots and lots of opportunities to play.
You can use playing time as opportunities to teach young kids, but that is maybe 1 minute on the bench (which is like an hour for an 8 year old). Teach them the lesson. Then get them right back out there!!!!
Coach, thanks for your lightening quick
response! Just seeing the passive aggressive use of this article just made my
blood boil this morning. My eldest is 22 and my youngest is 8. I’ve been through
this politics and nonsense before and I guess I’m a little weary. I also saw
one of the women I coached over 25 years ago in the store last night. Her hug
made me realize that I have to keep striving for what is right in sports
because it can make all the difference in a young person’s life. She’s 45 (I
was only 22 and a new HS teacher and coach at the time!) and after all she went
through in her life, I am blessed to see her grow and flourish, her children
grow and flourish and now her grandchildren! Urrrgh! At my age now with my
first graduating college, I’ve seen how sport helped him to be the man he is
today. I want the same experience for ALL of my children!
Great post. Your philosophy is well supported by the concept of focusing on catching the kids doing something right rather than harping on behaviors you don’t want. You are setting a culture of team-first, and it makes doing the right thing contagious. Great title for your post too – have you read ‘Made to Stick’ by Chip and Dan Heath? The ‘unexpectedness’ of your title makes it very sticky. Good stuff.
Thanks for the comment. I have not read that book but will look it up. Thanks.
Ahh…I love it. Your tale of simple goodness is how it should be with youth sports…but so very hard to come by. I would love to private message you an e-mail related to our recent experience…oh boy…that’s all I can say. It has been a hard lesson for our first experience in AAU ball…deplorable “coaching” and nothing, not one
thing, learned related to basketball development and a love for the sport. 🙁 Signed a sad mom in California…
You’re full of crap! There is a difference between playing a favorite, and rewarding good behavior. When you play your favorites you are actually discouraging the other kids from even trying. All the kids are good kids, they just get discouraged when a coach has obvious favorites, and then you have ignorant coaches who do more damage then good. Like a parent with a child, even when a child misbehaves, we don’t ignore them, or give them less personal attention. We work with them, and elevate their self-esteem and confidence. And, FYI coach, this is not done by them sitting on the sidelines. Unfortunately, there really are no strict educational requirements for coaches, other then a certificate here and there. You should not be a coach. Shame on you.
You make a few accurate points. But before accusing me of those things and/or being a bad coach, did you even read the entire article? Why are you making assumptions that I would I have “obvious favorites”, “ignore kids”, or “give them less personal attention”?
That could not be further from the truth!! Just by closely reading this one article above, let alone the dozens of other articles on this site, you would realize those assumptions are way off base.
You said… ” When you play your favorites you are actually discouraging the other kids from even trying. All the kids are good kids, they just get discouraged when a coach has obvious favorites, and then you have ignorant coaches who do more damage then good. Like a parent with a child, even when a child misbehaves, we don’t ignore them, or give them less personal attention. We work with them, and elevate their self-esteem and confidence.”
Yes, of course that would discourage a player. And of course they need lots of opportunities to improve. And of course you don’t want to have obvious favorites. That is all true.
That’s why the article says… “I, of course, want every single player to improve, have fun, and learn life lessons. So I try very hard to get every player PLENTY of opportunities and help every player develop those positive qualities.”
Now this statement you made, I disagree with… “When you play your favorites you are actually discouraging the other kids from even trying.”
It is true you could discourage players if you go about things the wrong way and neglect to apply some basic common sense. Beyond that I strongly disagree with that statement. In fact know it is wrong because I have proven it to be wrong year after year…
Let’s just take the moral standard that is stated in the article above and what we can all agree is important… “tell the truth”.
As stated in the article, it’s important to communicate these positive character traits. So at the beginning of the year, we stress the importance of telling the truth, include it in our core value hand outs, and talk about the importance of honesty with everyone and the importance of being able to trust your team mates.
So we started the “communication”. Now I have a situation where a 14 year old lies to me and his teammates. The specifics of the lie or type of lie doesn’t matter. He did it.
Now I communicate with the player. Explain the situation. Ask what happened. Find out why he did this. Explain why lying is wrong.
Then almost regardless of the answer, the kid will sit on the bench (whether he is the next Lebron James playing in a championship or not). He sits. It could be for 5 minutes. It could be for 2 games. It depends on the situation and what I feel will be best for this kid and what will have a positive impact on this kid (figuring that out is not always easy but we just have to do our best).
After sitting him on the bench, do you think that kid realized he made a mistake? Do you think he realizes that lying gets him in trouble? Do you think that kid realized that coach feels that honestly is VERY important?
Of course he does. This is a step in the right direction towards teaching a kid a life lesson. Once the point is made, you give him another chance and put him in the game.
This is one example of hundreds of ways you can use playing time to teach life lessons and develop character.
I have used playing time to teach players the importance of listening, hustling, and so on. Have you ever taken a player out of the game because they are not hustling? And then explain to them exactly why you took them out of the game? You’d be amazed at how effective that can be.
Have you ever taken a player out of the game because they are not playing aggressive and fearful of a mistake (like missing a shot)? Not because they made a mistake but because they are not making mistakes? Talk about an effective way to get players to lose their fear of missing shots and making mistakes. Sit them out for a few minutes. Tell them why they sat out. Then after a little time, put them back in. You’d be amazed at how that can build their confidence and get them playing at a higher level.
Playing time is a VERY POWERFUL TOOL when used with discretion and when a caring coach applies some common sense.
Helicopter mom got served.
Jeff, great article ignore these other people who have no idea what its about. I have coached for over 16 years, baseball, football hockey and basketball. I have coached kids 5, 11 and 12 and up to currently high school. Parents are the worse and they dont get it Not all but most.. My son now is 5 and by me coaching teams with prior with no son on it parents eat it up, But you know what its about the kids. I thank you for this article and keep doing what you do.
As a club volleyball mom, I completely disagree that “all the kids are good kids.” I’ve seen girls act entitled, disrespectful, regularly show up late or leave early and talk about their teammates behind their backs. I’ve also seen those same girls play favorites and set to their friends instead of the best open player to hit the ball.
I absolutely agree with this coaches philosophy and tell my daughter these same things regularly. I’m her toughest critic, but her biggest cheerleader too.
The problem today is that so many parents are so worried that their child is being short changed they forget to look at why that may be. In what ways does that child or parent have ownership in the whole thing. EVERY relationship is a 2 way street. Instead of immediately saying it as a negative when a coach says he plays favorites, maybe thank your lucky stars that someone else has entered your child’s life to help you teach them the lessons they will need to be a responsible, productive citizen in society.
You’re one of “those parents. ”
As a coach for 28 years, (Tennis), I agree with this article. However, the problem with parents is two-fold: 1) They seldom see entire practices, let alone any; 2) they are subjective in their perception of what their kids do. They often “hear” one side of the practice story. “Coach didn’t play me at all; Coach was on me all practice,” etc. Thus, the parents often side with their kid, take their ignorance to the Athletic Director to complain, and everything gets blown out of proportion. Coaches tend to “play” those kids who will perform well, who have “earned” their place in the starting lineup, and who are important to the team in general. (Provide leadership, good examples, demonstrate dedication, desire, discipline, drive, and sacrifice.) Thus, many times a coach will play a kid who may not have been quite as sharp or as productive in the scoring department, instead playing a kid who may help the team in the long run.
Does this mean its okay for a coach to put students on his team then decide he doesn’t want to help them grow? Talk down to them and make smart comments during practices to them. This coach thinks this article describes him. I’m trying to figure out how…
No… based on what you describe, that doesn’t sound like a good thing. But that is life. See if you can turn lemons into lemonade. You will run into people like this in life. How you/players react to these situations and what you learn is important. I know I learned plenty from the not so good coaches… sometimes I simply learned how not to act. Other times I just learned how to have a positive attitude and make the best of these situations.
My son should have been on your team. He has had a few coaches like you, but the others are not like you. They play the favorites that are the bullies of the school, cuss out teachers, get suspended from games, fail classes etc…while the really “good” and deserving kids that are respectful are ignored and forced off teams. My son is good, too, just the coaches were bad people. My son, a straight A student, the only one in Honor Society in football and basketball, was forced out because I finally spoke up about the jocks bullying being encouraged by the coaching staff. I wish all coaches were like you and my son would still be playing ball, now he is swimming with a much better group of people.
Which of the two players is more valuable to you and will see more playing time: one who works hard and is very athletic and skilled, but not enthusiastic, or one who is enthusiastic, but not near as skilled, athletic, or a hard worker as the first? My basketball coach in high school played me pretty much the whole game for the first few games then started playing a more enthusiastic player. The scores were much tighter and he needed me out there but was too blind because he was picking favorites. Enthusiastic players are kiss ups to the coach. I respect and do what the coach asks but don’t try to be his friend and kiss up. Picking favorites is wrong. Playing time was all screwed up. I quit and went on to accept a D1 track and field offer, when I really wanted to go on to play basketball. Coaches can ruin futures. Don’t pick favorites.
To answer your first question, it depends. There are so many factors a coach takes into account when determining playing time that I can’t list them all here. There are intangibles like the ones listed in the article above (which also make you a better player), skills, team chemistry, understanding of offense/defense/plays, ability to execute what coach wants, position, match ups, attendance, decision making, tendencies, etc, etc.
A coach has to weigh in lots of factors. All coaches want to win. I have never met a coach that wants to lose and will play someone they “like” better to lose games.
My favorites make the team better. All of those attributes of “my favorites” listed above make the team better and make the individual players better… because I’m emphasizing the right things.
For your situation, you can’t change the past but you can learn from those experiences and become better from it.
If you really wanted to play basketball, what could you have done different to get a different outcome? Did you do everything you could? Did you talk to the coach to find out how you can improve and help the team and get more playing time? Maybe you could have been more proactive in this situation and communicated better with your coach?
Were you the first one to practice and the last one to leave? Did you dive on the floor for loose balls, help teammates, play great defense, try harder than anyone else, learn more than anyone else, work in the off season, etc.
Did you show enthusiasm about just playing? Did you bring up your teammates and their energy with your enthusiasm? This has nothing to do with the coach and everything to do with making you and your teammates better.
You have control of your actions and your future. Sounds to me like there is a lot you can learn from this and it should only make you stronger and wiser in whatever path you choose in the future.
The thing is that often “the favorites” are neither the best players nor the players with the best character.
Coaching today has more politics than a presidential election. What’s funny is the biggest critics couldn’t Coach their way out of a straight maze.
Some of the responses you are getting are typical of today’s parents. They always blame the coach for their kid not playing. I am in my 8th year of coaching and what happens at practice and during games on the bench is not always visible to the parents. Just like some of the examples you stated in the article…. kids that look at you when you are talking, paying attention when you are correcting another player, working hard EVERY practice and not just when the coach is watching. Those are my “favorite players”. That doesn’t mean that they will get more minutes, because skill and ability does factor in but when you have 2 players of equal skill I am going to play the kid that has earned it and they will be the one the team can depend on when it matters. Quit blaming the coach, instead ask yourself “what can I do to EARN more playing time”….. Nobody deserves playing time, you have to earn it.
Mike, I understand what you are saying but there are coaches who really aren’t in the same mind set. I just sat through my son’s senior year watching basketball, I can’t say watching him because he never played. He has played for four years, and even talked to the coach about being a better player. The coach had his five favorites he would play to exhaustion. We were not a winning team so if the score was real bad he would take all who had not played and put them in for 30 seconds. Needless to say they felt like idiots. My son attended all the practices, fund raisers, and anything else that was required. I watched a kid go from adoring a sport to just wanting the year to be over. On senior night only five would start and there was six seniors, so one of the other players told the coach he would give up his spot so my son could play. The kids on the team were better than the coach. The coach’s complaint was his passion was football. I just hope he never gets to coach football so he can feel what the boys felt.
great article … my question is off topic but I didn’t know where else to ask you…
I have a question about motion offense. I watched video from don k on his offense against a 2-3 from your website… my question is can this be run against a man ? we are trying to run it only against zone and against a man we run a 4 out 1 in with passing and mostly screening away and even trying to get players off the ball to screen away to help a teammate get open.. trying to keep it simple for fifth graders who practice once per week.. thanks so much… really appreciate your website it has been a massive help.
Don Kelbick has a motion DVD that is run against both man and zone defenses. We run our motion against everything as well… just make minor tweaks when we see motion. If you run 41 motion with 5th graders, make sure you rotate your post player so you don’t pigeonhole them into the post position. You want everyone playing all positions because you don’t know what position they will end up in high school. For 41 motion we used to keep post on weak side, let ball come to you, and have perimeter players pass and cut. Simple but effective. We also run 5 out against zone too.