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PostPosted: 17 Nov 2017, 12:04 

Posts: 2
My daughter is a sophomore on her second year of Varsity. She started all 28 games last year at the PG spot. We are just starting her second season and she positively hates her coach. Undersrtand, I have played and coached. I actually was an assistant to this coach but stepped down when my kid made Varsity b/c I knew she needed a mom, not a second coach. This coach has a reputation for being very difficult and not connecting well with the kids and every year, at least one player leaves. This year it was 4 players. My kid has played every sport, including TACKLE football where her coach was an ex-army ranger and a real hard-ass. She is not afraid of hard work and is used to getting "coached up". While she hasn't always loved her coaches, she's been able to work with them. This year, she is miserable. I want to stay in the background and help her manage the problem herself. She is a good player and plays year round and has interest from colleges. This isn't about playing time, coaching strategy or anything. I am just looking for ways to support her and strategies to give her to help her deal with her frustration and anger over how the coach treats her. This coach is a screamer and, in my opinion, a very negative coach. I struggled when I was her assistant b/c I just don't coach like that. I am looking for any ideas to give my daughter about how to make it through the season without a nervous breakdown.


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PostPosted: 20 Nov 2017, 16:37 

Posts: 900
It sounds like your daughter is a very competitive athlete who's dealt with tough situations and coaches before. Did something change from last year to this year? In other words, how did she handle this coach last year?

I'm getting the vibe there's a lot of yelling going on, and your daughter feels like the coach is just yelling to yell? I'm guessing your daughter feels like she's giving 100%, gets yelled at for errors, makes corrections and still is on the receiving end of more yelling? Your daughter is left wondering if she does anything right for this coach. Am I anywhere close? I'm guessing this coach isn't just picking on her since four players left this year.

Regarding how you can help her, I would use this as a life lesson in solving a problem that could come up in life (e.g., boss, teacher/professor, relationship).

1) You can remind her that the coach is doing this to all the players (if that's true), so she realizes others on the team are going through it too.

2) Just like a boss or teacher, if you feel like you're not cutting it, you always can request a one on one meeting and ask for specifics of how you can improve.

3) Control what you can and let the rest work itself out. If your daughter can look herself in the mirror and say she left it all on the court, then she did her part. She can't control what comes out of the coach's mouth.

Having said all this, she may have to take a hard look at how much she's willing to tolerate. Just like you would like a job or relationship. I understand the underlying pressures of playing high school ball even if you're clubbing it the rest of the year.

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PostPosted: 20 Nov 2017, 17:29 

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Coach Rob:

As for what changed-I think it has been cumulative. As last year went on, she got more and more frustrated so her patience for it this year just isn't what it was. This coach is just a yeller and she uses a lot of sarcasm and negative reinforcement. It's just her style. I tried to get her to modify it when I coached with her buts its who she is. The best description of her is "old school".

I will agree that she doesn't feel like she does anything right and whatever decision she makes, she will be told the other decision was the better one. I think she takes it more personally because she's the point guard and feels like if she can't have a close relationship with the coach where she can predict and deliver what they want, she has failed. My kid ain't perfect. She's got strong opinions and is passionate about the game. If she doesn't understand something, she's going to ask and push and and prod until she does. That's the nice way of saying. The short way is-she's got a mouth. She's gotta learn when to keep it shut, no matter how frustrated she is.

I have pretty much told her most of things you mentioned so I feel like I haven't missed something. I also finally told her to stop trying to get the coaches approval. She has to play for herself. That actually seemed to resonate. I agree with everything you said. It's a life lesson and the world is full of difficult situations that you have to maneuver.

You have helped. My instincts were right along the lines of what you said but it's always good to get reinforcement. Thank-you for your time.


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PostPosted: 21 Nov 2017, 09:18 
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Agree with the ideas. Another thought to consider...

If you think she'd respond, propose this as a challenge. You're going to run into people you may not mesh with in life. You should take this as a challenge to make this work and turn lemons into lemonade. If you can overcome these challenges, is there anything you can't handle?

I think if she takes the mindset as "this is a challenge and I'm going to succeed no matter what gets in my way!!!!", then that could really turn things around.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. If you are upset, it's because you are choosing to be upset. And so on.

These lessons, along with incredible resilience could be learned from this.

She might try finding ways to connect better with the coach. And/or take the yelling as a compliment (the coach must care about me if she yells), And/or use psychology tricks to get yourself in the right mindset and take it the right way. Etc. But no matter what, when you try something and it doesn't work, don't give up. If you are resilient you will conquer this and play at a very high level in-spite of any obstacles in your way.

Just a few thoughts to consider. These are young kids and it's really easy for us parents to say all this. Sometimes the lessons are learned years later after reflection on these experiences.

Good luck and hope things get better!

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Jeff Haefner
http://www.BreakthroughBasketball.com


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PostPosted: 21 Nov 2017, 09:21 
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Another concept I used to hear.... "do you want to be right or do you want to be effective?"

In other words, sometimes you have to swallow your pride and even admit you are wrong (when you're not) if you want to be successful. Too many times pride and/or a stubbornness of always needing to be right gets in the way getting the results you want.

Again just ideas. Don't know if they apply or will help.

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