My son is playing in a 3rd grade Catholic youth league. His coach was a good player in high school and played Division II ball. The season started off well, and the practices were focused on developing fundamentals. However, as game day approached the practices turned into scrimmages where the 5 "starters" played the predominate number of minutes.

Things got really troubling when actual games started; the coach became noticeably tense on the bench. From the first game on, he prowls the sidelines, screaming at the players constantly. And when I say screaming, its not shouts of encouragement. Its red faced, scowling, face contorted screaming in anger. This weekend, he took it up a notch by taking his hat off and slamming it to the ground, loudly slapping the wall next to the bench, stomping, slapping his leg, and finally throwing up his hands and turning his back on the kids in the final minute of the game.

Some of the parents in the stands were actually pointing at the guy and laughing. Other parents began talking among themselves and making excuses for him like "well,,,its so difficult dealing with kids....poor guy."

I was appalled and am looking for some guidance here. Surely this is not acceptable? Throwing things and hitting walls are considered the warning signs of an abusive person...not physically necessarily but of someone who uses anger and intimidation to gain control. And I guess I am looking for guidance as to what my course of action should be. I feel I should confront him in a controlled way, tell him I am disappointed in his behavior, and ask him to act with some dignity around not only my kid, but all the other children also.

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I am assistant coach on my Son's parochial 3rd grade team (playing as 4th graders). The coach and other assistant have established what they think is a core group of players who they want in end game situations(including head coach Son). I can see what's coming. We have the same situation as you where the head coach wants the best players in the most amount of time in leadership positions. Problem is, they're not that good, just more aggressive on defense.

In your situation, I would not deal directly with the coach. He is clearly out of control and should not be near kids. Report to the school leadership - let them handle him.

This guy has forgotten what basketball should be at that age...... teaching fundamentals and having FUN... I think I have worn those two words out - FUNDAMENTALS & FUN. He is worried too much about winning IMO.

Best way of handling this?? You could talk to the coach but I wonder how he would react to you? A concerneed parent or a meddling one??

As for going to the administration... AD or Principal..... why don't you ask him/her to go watch a game after you explain the situation/ Tread lightly but you sure can be concerned as well you should be. Maybe he just needs to have someone mentor him about coacihng decorum? He might not even have a clue as to how he is acting.

You could video the game and give him a copy... be across from the bench so you can get the team and what he does also. That might be a big wake up call.

Coach Sar... Thanks for the reply and advice. Ultimately I ended up meeting him for coffee and just laying it all out there... My parental instincts took over when I asked my son if he had a good time at practice and his reply was..."Yeah but it would be better if we weren't all so scared of Coach."

I called him up, arranged the meeting... and was thinking this could go one of two ways... I'm a good sized guy at 6' 210 lbs, but this guy is a beast at 6'5 and probably 270. We sat down, I thanked him for meeting me - and told him there was no other way to say it but his behavior was unacceptable. I framed it by saying that it would be a shame that someone with so much passion and knowledge about the game was on his way to becoming the coach that everyone else in the league talks about...that he was potentially wasting all the knowledge that he had to pass onto the kids. He shrunk from 6'5 to about 5' and told me how embarrassed he was that we were having this conversation and that he would do better. We then had a very nice 45 minute conversation about basketball, coaching in general, sports in general. He ended up thanking me for speaking up.

It could have gone badly, and I suppose I should have let the school/league handle it.... but as a father it was one of those things that if I didn't speak to him man to man I couldn't have forgiven myself.

Guess what - you handled that very well. You didn't attack him and you gave him a lot of positives which I'm sure made your meeting go over well. You did what you felt was right to help your son and all the other kids too.

Of course it could have gone differently, especially if YOU would have attacked him.... I think you gave him some "Fatherly advice" and he was willing to listen. The worse that could have happened was he gets mad and walks away... then you could have gone to the administration. GREAT JOB.

A perfect example of how to deal with people, especially coaches... (we are a strange breed sometimes)...... there are a lot of parents out there that should read this and take notes.

I hope this changes things for all the kids and the coach.

Carbenez, I am nervous just reading your story. I am glad I was not one of the parents in the stand that day. I'm not sure if you approaching the Coach directly is the right path. I suggest some back up, possibly other parents as well. Maybe a planned meeting with the Sports Director and/or other persons in authority in the league/sports program. Definitely not behavior that should be left unchecked.

Nice job, Carbenez!